Tag Archives: the journey

The Simple Great Love

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Today morning, I woke up early and stumbled upon the name, Judah Smith.

Recently, I’ve decided to seek God again. To let Him be a part of my life. The truth is, Jesus has always been a part of my life but sometimes, I push him away because of my own humanity. Because I was ashamed and condemned of my own wrongdoings and sin. I felt that I am unworthy. I am unworthy of his love. Unworthy to be called a Christian. I keep walking away. Further and further I go. Maybe, I was lazy as well. My heart didn’t felt like going to Him. Maybe it was because of trust issues. I thought, God wouldn’t help me anymore because I didn’t obey Him. God doesn’t love me anymore because I sinned.

I was drowning. Drowning in my own insecurities and insufficiency. Drowning in all of my humanity and all my self righteousness. Drowning in my own judgement of myself. You see, I am a person who likes to beat myself up emotionally. I constantly blame myself for everything. I tell myself I am not good enough. That I am a horrible person. That I am wrong. That I wasn’t kind. That I hurt people and so I am  no longer loved. Each and every single day, I lived my life in constant fear. I fear that when people get too close to me, they would see my darkness and weakness and all my flaws. I fear that when they see me crumbling down, they would condemn me. They would say that I am not Christian enough. I keep living relying on myself. Relying on my own strength and ignoring God despite Him who was always walking by my side.

But do you know what ? As I was rejecting Him. As I was walking on my own path. Suffering and hurting because of my own pride and so called ‘wisdom and law’. HE WAS WITH ME. HE WAS WITH ME IN ALL MY DARKEST MOMENTS. He hears me screaming and crying all alone at night. He saw my struggles and hurt. He sat through me as I condemned myself. And He reached out to me when I was breaking and falling apart.

He keeps on telling me that I am loved. That I am not alone. That He is for me and not against me.

The truth is, God doesn’t NEED us but rather, He WANTS us because he LOVE us. It is because of His great love, mercy and grace that we live. It is not by my actions that people would come to know Him but by His name. It is not because of my insufficiency that makes me unworthy of Him because we are NOT MEASURED BY WORTH but we are all worthy because of His LOVE.

I’ve enough of sitting in the dark and being scared of myself. I want to hold the hand that He has reached out to me. Because he Loved Me First. I want to learn to seek Him in all of my weakness and flaws. I want to learn to worship Him even when I am sinful and wrong. I want to live in His love and grace with a simple heart.

The Pursuit of Happiness_Day 1

T H E H O A R D E R

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Whenever I clean my living space, I realised that I have a huge problem when it comes to discarding things. I tend to hold on to things with sentimental value. And even things that have no value and should be just trash. I always needed to keep it awhile until I decided that I can finally let it go. Recently, when life has been going downhill, I’ve been moving a lot and I realised that I’ve been keeping so many things with me. Some that I really cherished and some are just mere trash that I simply can’t bare to let go. Why do I keep trash with me? Maybe, they reminded me of something or perhaps, I just wanted to own it for a little while longer. That’s the greedy and selfish person I am. Each time I threw away something, it is like throwing away a part of me. Why do people have attachment to things? Because they were given by the people whom they once had a certain attachment with. I think its the same with people too. Even when I’ve discarded them and they would’ve even considered trash, I still feel like I’ve been holding on to them. Maybe I was hoping for something different. Maybe I was just being greedy and selfish just like a hoarder. Or maybe, I really cherished them. Whichever it was doesn’t matter anymore because its a part of the discarded.

And the question comes. Is it cruel and wrong to not cherish the people who have loved you ? Many times, I have felt guilty, wrong and deeply hurt because I have not cherished the people who have cherished me enough. People always think that only one person is hurting but in truth, it isn’t like that. At least it wasn’t like that for me. However, I’ve realised that there is nothing wrong with choosing who to love and who to discard. We were never held responsible to reciprocate a certain feeling. Even Jesus never forced anyone to love and respect Him for His great sacrifice. Yet there were so many humans who condemned another just because they didn’t love as much. I finally learnt that there is nothing wrong even when others were always thinking its your fault because you didn’t love him enough. What’s wrong was that someone who forced you to love them because they loved you. And people who stood by judging because they did had nothing better to do.

Being a hoarder, even when I didn’t love something, I wasn’t willing to throw it away. I don’t know why. Except that I am greedy and selfish. But living a nomadic life had taught me how to be minimalistic. And somehow, it applies to people too. There is so much relation to things and people isn’t there ?

January Gone With The Wind

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A month ago, it was the beginning of 2017!

A year I looked forward to with great expectation and anticipation.

In this short month, so many things happened so swiftly I could barely remember anything.

Somehow, the feeling or rush and excitement although wearing thin, still stays.

Despite that, the exhaustion is also slowly creeping in to a dangerously strangling stage.

There are so many things I wish to accomplish but somehow, nothing seems accomplished.

Throughout this 30 days, there are some that felt like seconds and some that felt like years.

Looking back now, it all seems like yesterday.

It felt like only yesterday  I celebrated my birthday.

It felt like only yesterday I was rushing for submissions. Spending sleepless nights doing my assignments.

It felt like only yesterday I celebrated my friend’s birthday.

It felt like only yesterday I celebrated Chinese New Year.

It felt like only yesterday. Everything felt like it all just happened yesterday.

Although January came and go like the wind that pass us by, it was a month with lots of experiences and growth.

Wherever this path leads to, I’ll be right where I belong. I know I can be strong.

#THEPERSUITOFHAPPINESS

A New Journey Begins ~ 2K17!

Happy New Year ! ~

2016 had been a rather happening year for me. Although most years seems to fly by without much to remember, 2016 was definitely different. A year filled with lots of challenges and hardships that brought growth. As much as there were many hardships and misery, there were also happy and exciting times that I’ll remember.

There’s a saying that say you can only understand happiness if you understand what it’s like to be sad and vice versa. If there was something that I’ve learnt in 2016, it’s definitely appreciation. I hope to continue learning and achieving greater heights in 2017 !

Here’s a mini flashback of what happened in 2016 ~

  1. My Mom passed away. I remember visiting the hospital everyday and eating hospital food. Somehow, it was a time when all of our family members gathered together. Although it was a depressing time, there were many good memories. Thanks for all the support from my family and friends.
  2. I quit law school. It was a decision made without much consideration. At that time, I think I didn’t really have the energy to think much about my education. Business was running and YOU HAVE TO SMILE BIG AND WIDE when you do business so my face was constantly fighting with my heart. It was a decision I still regret sometimes when I look back. I missed the place. It was a warm place filled with love and support. Always in my heart.
  3. I came to Singapore to pursue Fashion. To be honest, it wasn’t totally my decision although I loved art since I was young. I had the kind of mentality that pursuing art was crazy and stupid so I was really hesitant about it. Even so, friends and family were really supportive about it and even my dad said I could. At that point, I only chose this path because I thought my family would move over to Singapore and we all would be united again. Many things happened then and sometimes I regret here and there but ultimately, I think it was really an enjoyable journey so far. Thank you CK for this!~
  4. 天下无不散之筵席. All good things must come to an end. As the proverb explains, even if a feast were to last for a thousand years, it will come to an end someday. And although everything was as pleasant as possible, it eventually came to an end. It was the hardest phase of my life being alone and helpless. I think its horrible when the people who told you they would be there for you turned their backs on you and that was what happened. I am going to leave this behind so I will no longer think or talk about it. All in all, it was a bittersweet memory worth remembering. I made good friends here that I hope will stay for a long time. At this period of time, when my family turned their backs on me, there were many wonderful people who open their doors to me. My friends were always listening to my rants. My colleagues were warm and caring. I went to my first nightlife adventure ever and had lots of fun time. Thank you for everything ~
  5. I took the courage to move out. I finally decided to be independent and moved out with the help of a church friend. The reason I moved out was because it became really suffocating and lonely. No one talked or bothered about me and I felt like it was even worse that being invisible because then they would just talk behind me and most of the time, I could hear mostly everything. It was really far from work and school as well. And I am a really messy and forgetful person so its probably best for me to not live with people.
  6. I quit my job. There isn’t much to say about this but I really did like my job despite some incidents and all. It was rather memorable just that its really time consuming and inconvenient.
  7. I started business.
  8. I started drawing and investing time in my interest
  9. I learnt a lot of new things which probably isn’t really necessary to list everything down but basically, I learnt about myself. 2016 was a journey of battling with myself. It was tough but in the end, I finally accepted the path that I’ve chosen and decided to work towards it. No more regrets! No more Ifs or Buts.

As I’ve accepted this path that I’ve chosen, I hope to walk into 2017 with positivity and courage. Let it be another eventful year.

My resolution for 2017 would be to live life without limitations and hesitations. To learn and do many new things and be more kind and brave.

Surprisingly, I am really excited and hopeful for 2017!~ ❤

Happy New Year Everyone!~ Be Blessed ~

D I S S A P O I N T M E N T

D I S S A P P O I N T M E N T ! That’s the only thing that was overflowing when she returned home. She had always longed to go back home. To the warm and loving home that she remembered. But such ideals were only dreams that were shattered into pieces the moment she stepped home. It is a cold and lonely home. For once, the ice cold marble floor seems to transmit it’s chill right to her heart. The air conditioner seems to be cooler than usual although everything else around is burning. The cold water was like a wake up call. One that remind her that this is not home anymore. The people she know or once knew were like strangers to her. Their souls were cold. Just like the ones she stepped away from. ‘Have everything around me became cold and distant?’ she wondered.

The days passed by and although she walked under the sun and bathed in hot shower, it still felt cold. It was like apart of her was frozen. And there she was, among the crowd and cheer, only to be an ice princess in a frozen castle.

‘Where have everyone gone to ? Were they just my imagination ? ‘ she thought to herself.

‘Hello! Hello! Can you hear me? Are you listening? ‘ she called out.

There was no answer.

‘It’s freezing here. Get me out! Hello! Get me out!’ she called out again.

Over and over again there was no answer.

Slowly, everything faded. There was nothing and no one except her in the cold and lonely castle.

Sometimes, we wished for something so much we tend to betray ourselves that what we see is what we wished for. We try to see what we are seeing as how we want to see it.

She was the same.

She always thought that her home was one with warmth and love. She wished it was filled with cheer and laughter. But it was nothing like that.

The Ice Princess then woke and realized it was all just a dream. She was lying to herself. She was pretending and trying to convince herself. But somehow, even what was in her head shattered.

It takes one knock to shatter a fragile heart made out of the ice.

My Grandfather.

Have you ever dislike someone so much you wished they could be just instantly wiped away from your life ?

Well, I’ve lived a long and pretty much innocent and bright life but I, for once, wished someone I really dislike would be wiped away from my life.

I hoped that someday, when I wake up, he would have already been gone. Non-existent.

Maybe that is cruel of me, but this horrible man is beyond disgusting. Pure Toxic.

How would you define a bad man ?

He is everything and beyond what you could think of.

That man is my horrible grandfather. I wish with every living breath I have that he would be non-existent in my life.

How could one man curse and cause hurt to three generations of people ? There must be some talent to do that. A talent that I do not have.

Talent to hurt others yet make everyone thinks it’s otherwise. Is this a game that plays with the sympathy of people’s minds for the old  ? Ah! He sure made me look at things in different angles.

A long long time ago, I would’ve thought that old people who were ignored and abandoned were pitiful and those who did it were heartless. Now, not so. I wish I could wipe away this part of my heart that feels the sympathy for the elderly. I do not want to end up helping a horrible devil only to inflict more hurt to those who were thought to be heartless.

Our neighbour, who is pretty much some kind of witch, ( I am very very sure she is) chose to help and give attention to this devil condemning my dad to be a useless and unfilial son. But what does a witch know ?

Does she know that that disgusting man is the reason all of us suffers ? The reason my grandma went through mental distress ? The reason we were all anchored here. His roots that ties you to the ground. Like a cage that locks a bird condemning it to be flightless forever. Does she knows that horrible man cons people and played with women’s feelings ? Does she knows he tramples and kills the ones who held their hands out to him ?

A gambler is a selfish man. A womaniser is a man without compassion. A cheater is a crooked man. An ignorant man is a man who will never change his ways. And my grandfather is all of it. He will be an amusing and probably a respectable character to strangers but a blunt sword that cuts your skin over and over again to the ones close to him.

A man who is arrogant brings death to those who are around him. Yet, he is as lowly as a cockroach. One who is despicable yet annoyingly clings on to dear life. Clings on to you like a pest you want to get rid off. But one you can never get rid off because the moment you reach out to kill it, it bites you.

That is My Grandfather. The Man I’ve grown to hate.

The Runaway

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Today, my landlady wanted to talk to me and I was really afraid because I would have no excuse to avoid the conversation.

‘She seemed angry.’ I thought.

The moment she knocked on my door, all my hairs stand and I immediately stood up and reach for the door.

Before she had a chance to say much I immediately told her I could move out if she was unhappy.

She was in shock and we both proceed into a long and deep conversation.

Although I think she didn’t really understand what I was trying to say, I understood.

I understood why I said that. I understood why she thought I was someone who reacts too fast, judge too quickly, and jumps into conclusion even quicker.

Truth is, I am just afraid. I always feel extremely nervous before anything even begins. I am afraid to pick up calls. Afraid to read and reply text messages. Afraid to talk to people and practically panic about almost every single thing. If you tell me that I am ugly, a billion things will be running in my mind over and over again.

I AM JUST AFRAID TO MESS UP! BECAUSE I RATHER DIE THAN FACE FAILURE.

Maybe, you can say that I am oversensitive but definitely not arrogant. I do not act like this out of arrogance. Well, maybe it seemed like arrogance because I always try to believe in my own judgement. It might not seem so but I try to understand and ignore everything. I want to understand yet I want not to be apart of it. Even now, I don’t really know myself.

But I am the runaway coward that’s afraid to face what’s before her. Maybe the giants are too big for me. I am scared that I’ll drown and no one will pick me up. Because, I found myself choking to death more times than I could ever count.

Even now, you could see I use ‘because’ so much just to justify myself. It is a certain habit of mine that I feel the need to justify myself each and every time. I am just so afraid. Do you know how it feels to like to live with anxiety choking you every minute ? To worry about whether you locked the door or not. Or was it the lights you left on? Did you forget an important meeting? Was it someone’s birthday awhile ago that you forgot? And all these little things that seemed insignificant to others are the things you could crucify yourself for.

I was brought up with pure joy and love but regardless, I grew up in a bitter and harsh environment. Where you are blamed and condemned for almost everything. The constant pressure someone made me into this weird being that I am.

I worry almost every single time if people actually hate me. If they saw through me and think of how I am such a horrid person. Laughed behind me at how clueless I am. That I was stupid enough to thought that they liked me but they actually think I am the weirdest person ever. All these things constantly runs through my mind. Always.

Sometimes, I wish I could just curl up and cry until someone saves me. Because I AM JUST SO SCARED.

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A RUNAWAY COWARD I AM.