At some point in our lives, we just happened to be drowning and struggling. But in the midst, we were fortunate enough to be kissed by an angel. It was so beautiful. So Magical. How can something like this ever be bad ? I don’t want to wake up from this beautiful nightmare. I don’t want to get out of this addictive pain. Let me be drenched in anxiety. Let the river of hurtful tears flow. Let me shatter. Piece by Piece. And in the end, I’ll stand before you and smile. For the scars that will never heal. For the missing pieces I don’t want to find anymore. If I had the chance, I would choose the same. I would go through it all again. Because I’m addicted to the high and numb to the pain. Keep me high all night. Keep me high all day. Break me and fix me over and over again. What you created, now stands before you. Why do you not love this soul anymore? I still love you. Always. Even in all of the madness, I loved you. I loved all of you. Even when I am out of my mind. I love you . . .
Whenever I clean my living space, I realised that I have a huge problem when it comes to discarding things. I tend to hold on to things with sentimental value. And even things that have no value and should be just trash. I always needed to keep it awhile until I decided that I can finally let it go. Recently, when life has been going downhill, I’ve been moving a lot and I realised that I’ve been keeping so many things with me. Some that I really cherished and some are just mere trash that I simply can’t bare to let go. Why do I keep trash with me? Maybe, they reminded me of something or perhaps, I just wanted to own it for a little while longer. That’s the greedy and selfish person I am. Each time I threw away something, it is like throwing away a part of me. Why do people have attachment to things? Because they were given by the people whom they once had a certain attachment with. I think its the same with people too. Even when I’ve discarded them and they would’ve even considered trash, I still feel like I’ve been holding on to them. Maybe I was hoping for something different. Maybe I was just being greedy and selfish just like a hoarder. Or maybe, I really cherished them. Whichever it was doesn’t matter anymore because its a part of the discarded.
And the question comes. Is it cruel and wrong to not cherish the people who have loved you ? Many times, I have felt guilty, wrong and deeply hurt because I have not cherished the people who have cherished me enough. People always think that only one person is hurting but in truth, it isn’t like that. At least it wasn’t like that for me. However, I’ve realised that there is nothing wrong with choosing who to love and who to discard. We were never held responsible to reciprocate a certain feeling. Even Jesus never forced anyone to love and respect Him for His great sacrifice. Yet there were so many humans who condemned another just because they didn’t love as much. I finally learnt that there is nothing wrong even when others were always thinking its your fault because you didn’t love him enough. What’s wrong was that someone who forced you to love them because they loved you. And people who stood by judging because they did had nothing better to do.
Being a hoarder, even when I didn’t love something, I wasn’t willing to throw it away. I don’t know why. Except that I am greedy and selfish. But living a nomadic life had taught me how to be minimalistic. And somehow, it applies to people too. There is so much relation to things and people isn’t there ?