Tag Archives: reflection

A Simple Heart

Annyeong ! ~ It’s been so long since I wrote anything despite the fact that so many things have been happening. Somehow, I didn’t really have anything to write or any thoughts to share. But it occured to me today that simplicity is an expensive gift. Have you ever came across a minimalist shop and walked in thinking you could buy something out of it because it looks so simple and therefore, it must be cheap but uh-uh! To your surprise, its way more expensive than something with more complications to it. Then you walked out and thought you could make it yourself anyways but then, when you tried, you realised it didn’t look the same. Because, it wasn’t the same.

A simple and pure thing is much more rare and precious. Just like a simple and pure heart. One that goes through all kinds of pollutions and obstruction but learns how to simplify and purify itself over and over again. To be simple is not to be lacking but rather, to have more than enough.

It only takes a smile to make a simple person content. It only took that little to make me feel like I was the happiest person in the world.

I am 20 now. And I realised my relentless pursuit for perfection and success were nothing but vanity.

Often I questioned myself, what am I doing ? Why am I doing this ? Do I truly find meaning in this ? What is it then that I find meaning in ? Why do I smile when I am not happy ? Why do I laugh and not feel joy ? Why am I always so sad ? Maybe I did felt happy when I was laughing or smiling. Maybe for that few seconds I felt like my world went blank. It was a minute of pleasure that was rather inexpensive.

Is it success or wealth or fame that would’ve made me happy ? Somehow I am uncertain what I really want because I am uncertain even of who I am. Am I the little girl who still smiles happily when she eats an ice cream or am I the woman chasing after wealth and perfection ? Am I the one who would laughed and thought it was funny when I stained my shirt or the one that flares up at someone for leaving a mark on my expensive dress? Am I still the one that would feel happy for someone’s success or the jealous one that tries to step on everyone ?

They say, you need to be cunning to be successful and rich. Somehow, I agree. It is such a competitive and manipulative world that its so hard to find a shred of positivity sometimes. But at one of my most lonely and sad times, someone lend me an umbrella. It somehow felt like a little bit of warmth came through this dark and cold castle.

I was a simple hearted person who would laughed and smiled a whole lot but somehow everything changed. I needed to fight and protect myself. I needed to survive. I wouldn’t say there was anything good of me but if there was one thing, it was my reluctance to die. I wouldn’t want to die off just like that and hence, my survival instinct and resilience were somehow really strong. I mean, I would grumble and feel all depressed and stuff but I did get up over and over again to fight on.

For a long time, I felt like I have been fighting this never-ending battle. It somehow felt like it stopped for a little while because someone was fighting alongside me and it didn’t felt that hard. It was a short moment of bliss. I learnt how to love again. To be a little bit more generous and a little kinder. But then, it didn’t last very long. Sometimes, beautiful things don’t just come to us right ? At least, it doesn’t come so simply to me. I started to feel scared and nervous all over again. And I became a whole new person I never knew. I became a horrible monster. Although life was really hard then, I was still able to smile and be kind but now, it seems like its so difficult. It seems like I am just fiercely fighting through. Fiercely protecting myself and cutting off everything that didn’t have any significant importance. I did just harden my heart and told myself that it was okay to be cruel because I did be trampled upon if I wasn’t.

I did give in to doing so many horrible things that weren’t right and things that I should never have done. Slowly, I have gave in to all the pollutions in the pursuit of perfection and wealth. Before I knew it, I didn’t recognise myself anymore.

What is meaningful to you ? Is it the successful people who devote their entire lifetime perfecting something and proving the greatness of humans ? OR is it the simple life of one that bears hardships and happiness with love and kindness ? Somehow, even if you’re not pursuing something, life may still be a horrid and dark but the perspective of it would’ve changed a lot of things.

I never really wanted to be extremely successful or wealthy. But it felt like it was wrong if I didn’t want it. It felt as if I was a disappointment if I never made it to the top. When I was younger, I did cried if I didn’t get first place in something. Then, my parents would hug me and told me it was okay and that I could try harder next time. Now, life is so hard. Its so hard that I wish someone could just hug me and told me it was okay. Most of all, I wished I could just hug myself and tell myself that it is all perfectly okay. It’s okay not to be the best. It’s okay if things weren’t perfect. Its okay if you screwed up or make a mistake. Even so, you’re still loved. Deeply loved. And that you can just smile and laugh at anything at all. There is nothing wrong in being happy. It’s okay to be happy even when things isn’t going all too well. Its okay to be me. Its okay to live a simple life. It’s okay to not want to keep pursuing further. It’s okay to just stop.

I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to keep feeling sad and crying over and over again.

I just want to go home. Please.

 

 

 

The Simple Great Love

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Today morning, I woke up early and stumbled upon the name, Judah Smith.

Recently, I’ve decided to seek God again. To let Him be a part of my life. The truth is, Jesus has always been a part of my life but sometimes, I push him away because of my own humanity. Because I was ashamed and condemned of my own wrongdoings and sin. I felt that I am unworthy. I am unworthy of his love. Unworthy to be called a Christian. I keep walking away. Further and further I go. Maybe, I was lazy as well. My heart didn’t felt like going to Him. Maybe it was because of trust issues. I thought, God wouldn’t help me anymore because I didn’t obey Him. God doesn’t love me anymore because I sinned.

I was drowning. Drowning in my own insecurities and insufficiency. Drowning in all of my humanity and all my self righteousness. Drowning in my own judgement of myself. You see, I am a person who likes to beat myself up emotionally. I constantly blame myself for everything. I tell myself I am not good enough. That I am a horrible person. That I am wrong. That I wasn’t kind. That I hurt people and so I am  no longer loved. Each and every single day, I lived my life in constant fear. I fear that when people get too close to me, they would see my darkness and weakness and all my flaws. I fear that when they see me crumbling down, they would condemn me. They would say that I am not Christian enough. I keep living relying on myself. Relying on my own strength and ignoring God despite Him who was always walking by my side.

But do you know what ? As I was rejecting Him. As I was walking on my own path. Suffering and hurting because of my own pride and so called ‘wisdom and law’. HE WAS WITH ME. HE WAS WITH ME IN ALL MY DARKEST MOMENTS. He hears me screaming and crying all alone at night. He saw my struggles and hurt. He sat through me as I condemned myself. And He reached out to me when I was breaking and falling apart.

He keeps on telling me that I am loved. That I am not alone. That He is for me and not against me.

The truth is, God doesn’t NEED us but rather, He WANTS us because he LOVE us. It is because of His great love, mercy and grace that we live. It is not by my actions that people would come to know Him but by His name. It is not because of my insufficiency that makes me unworthy of Him because we are NOT MEASURED BY WORTH but we are all worthy because of His LOVE.

I’ve enough of sitting in the dark and being scared of myself. I want to hold the hand that He has reached out to me. Because he Loved Me First. I want to learn to seek Him in all of my weakness and flaws. I want to learn to worship Him even when I am sinful and wrong. I want to live in His love and grace with a simple heart.

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T H E H O A R D E R

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Whenever I clean my living space, I realised that I have a huge problem when it comes to discarding things. I tend to hold on to things with sentimental value. And even things that have no value and should be just trash. I always needed to keep it awhile until I decided that I can finally let it go. Recently, when life has been going downhill, I’ve been moving a lot and I realised that I’ve been keeping so many things with me. Some that I really cherished and some are just mere trash that I simply can’t bare to let go. Why do I keep trash with me? Maybe, they reminded me of something or perhaps, I just wanted to own it for a little while longer. That’s the greedy and selfish person I am. Each time I threw away something, it is like throwing away a part of me. Why do people have attachment to things? Because they were given by the people whom they once had a certain attachment with. I think its the same with people too. Even when I’ve discarded them and they would’ve even considered trash, I still feel like I’ve been holding on to them. Maybe I was hoping for something different. Maybe I was just being greedy and selfish just like a hoarder. Or maybe, I really cherished them. Whichever it was doesn’t matter anymore because its a part of the discarded.

And the question comes. Is it cruel and wrong to not cherish the people who have loved you ? Many times, I have felt guilty, wrong and deeply hurt because I have not cherished the people who have cherished me enough. People always think that only one person is hurting but in truth, it isn’t like that. At least it wasn’t like that for me. However, I’ve realised that there is nothing wrong with choosing who to love and who to discard. We were never held responsible to reciprocate a certain feeling. Even Jesus never forced anyone to love and respect Him for His great sacrifice. Yet there were so many humans who condemned another just because they didn’t love as much. I finally learnt that there is nothing wrong even when others were always thinking its your fault because you didn’t love him enough. What’s wrong was that someone who forced you to love them because they loved you. And people who stood by judging because they did had nothing better to do.

Being a hoarder, even when I didn’t love something, I wasn’t willing to throw it away. I don’t know why. Except that I am greedy and selfish. But living a nomadic life had taught me how to be minimalistic. And somehow, it applies to people too. There is so much relation to things and people isn’t there ?

January Gone With The Wind

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A month ago, it was the beginning of 2017!

A year I looked forward to with great expectation and anticipation.

In this short month, so many things happened so swiftly I could barely remember anything.

Somehow, the feeling or rush and excitement although wearing thin, still stays.

Despite that, the exhaustion is also slowly creeping in to a dangerously strangling stage.

There are so many things I wish to accomplish but somehow, nothing seems accomplished.

Throughout this 30 days, there are some that felt like seconds and some that felt like years.

Looking back now, it all seems like yesterday.

It felt like only yesterday  I celebrated my birthday.

It felt like only yesterday I was rushing for submissions. Spending sleepless nights doing my assignments.

It felt like only yesterday I celebrated my friend’s birthday.

It felt like only yesterday I celebrated Chinese New Year.

It felt like only yesterday. Everything felt like it all just happened yesterday.

Although January came and go like the wind that pass us by, it was a month with lots of experiences and growth.

Wherever this path leads to, I’ll be right where I belong. I know I can be strong.

#THEPERSUITOFHAPPINESS

A New Journey Begins ~ 2K17!

Happy New Year ! ~

2016 had been a rather happening year for me. Although most years seems to fly by without much to remember, 2016 was definitely different. A year filled with lots of challenges and hardships that brought growth. As much as there were many hardships and misery, there were also happy and exciting times that I’ll remember.

There’s a saying that say you can only understand happiness if you understand what it’s like to be sad and vice versa. If there was something that I’ve learnt in 2016, it’s definitely appreciation. I hope to continue learning and achieving greater heights in 2017 !

Here’s a mini flashback of what happened in 2016 ~

  1. My Mom passed away. I remember visiting the hospital everyday and eating hospital food. Somehow, it was a time when all of our family members gathered together. Although it was a depressing time, there were many good memories. Thanks for all the support from my family and friends.
  2. I quit law school. It was a decision made without much consideration. At that time, I think I didn’t really have the energy to think much about my education. Business was running and YOU HAVE TO SMILE BIG AND WIDE when you do business so my face was constantly fighting with my heart. It was a decision I still regret sometimes when I look back. I missed the place. It was a warm place filled with love and support. Always in my heart.
  3. I came to Singapore to pursue Fashion. To be honest, it wasn’t totally my decision although I loved art since I was young. I had the kind of mentality that pursuing art was crazy and stupid so I was really hesitant about it. Even so, friends and family were really supportive about it and even my dad said I could. At that point, I only chose this path because I thought my family would move over to Singapore and we all would be united again. Many things happened then and sometimes I regret here and there but ultimately, I think it was really an enjoyable journey so far. Thank you CK for this!~
  4. 天下无不散之筵席. All good things must come to an end. As the proverb explains, even if a feast were to last for a thousand years, it will come to an end someday. And although everything was as pleasant as possible, it eventually came to an end. It was the hardest phase of my life being alone and helpless. I think its horrible when the people who told you they would be there for you turned their backs on you and that was what happened. I am going to leave this behind so I will no longer think or talk about it. All in all, it was a bittersweet memory worth remembering. I made good friends here that I hope will stay for a long time. At this period of time, when my family turned their backs on me, there were many wonderful people who open their doors to me. My friends were always listening to my rants. My colleagues were warm and caring. I went to my first nightlife adventure ever and had lots of fun time. Thank you for everything ~
  5. I took the courage to move out. I finally decided to be independent and moved out with the help of a church friend. The reason I moved out was because it became really suffocating and lonely. No one talked or bothered about me and I felt like it was even worse that being invisible because then they would just talk behind me and most of the time, I could hear mostly everything. It was really far from work and school as well. And I am a really messy and forgetful person so its probably best for me to not live with people.
  6. I quit my job. There isn’t much to say about this but I really did like my job despite some incidents and all. It was rather memorable just that its really time consuming and inconvenient.
  7. I started business.
  8. I started drawing and investing time in my interest
  9. I learnt a lot of new things which probably isn’t really necessary to list everything down but basically, I learnt about myself. 2016 was a journey of battling with myself. It was tough but in the end, I finally accepted the path that I’ve chosen and decided to work towards it. No more regrets! No more Ifs or Buts.

As I’ve accepted this path that I’ve chosen, I hope to walk into 2017 with positivity and courage. Let it be another eventful year.

My resolution for 2017 would be to live life without limitations and hesitations. To learn and do many new things and be more kind and brave.

Surprisingly, I am really excited and hopeful for 2017!~ ❤

Happy New Year Everyone!~ Be Blessed ~

The Runaway

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Today, my landlady wanted to talk to me and I was really afraid because I would have no excuse to avoid the conversation.

‘She seemed angry.’ I thought.

The moment she knocked on my door, all my hairs stand and I immediately stood up and reach for the door.

Before she had a chance to say much I immediately told her I could move out if she was unhappy.

She was in shock and we both proceed into a long and deep conversation.

Although I think she didn’t really understand what I was trying to say, I understood.

I understood why I said that. I understood why she thought I was someone who reacts too fast, judge too quickly, and jumps into conclusion even quicker.

Truth is, I am just afraid. I always feel extremely nervous before anything even begins. I am afraid to pick up calls. Afraid to read and reply text messages. Afraid to talk to people and practically panic about almost every single thing. If you tell me that I am ugly, a billion things will be running in my mind over and over again.

I AM JUST AFRAID TO MESS UP! BECAUSE I RATHER DIE THAN FACE FAILURE.

Maybe, you can say that I am oversensitive but definitely not arrogant. I do not act like this out of arrogance. Well, maybe it seemed like arrogance because I always try to believe in my own judgement. It might not seem so but I try to understand and ignore everything. I want to understand yet I want not to be apart of it. Even now, I don’t really know myself.

But I am the runaway coward that’s afraid to face what’s before her. Maybe the giants are too big for me. I am scared that I’ll drown and no one will pick me up. Because, I found myself choking to death more times than I could ever count.

Even now, you could see I use ‘because’ so much just to justify myself. It is a certain habit of mine that I feel the need to justify myself each and every time. I am just so afraid. Do you know how it feels to like to live with anxiety choking you every minute ? To worry about whether you locked the door or not. Or was it the lights you left on? Did you forget an important meeting? Was it someone’s birthday awhile ago that you forgot? And all these little things that seemed insignificant to others are the things you could crucify yourself for.

I was brought up with pure joy and love but regardless, I grew up in a bitter and harsh environment. Where you are blamed and condemned for almost everything. The constant pressure someone made me into this weird being that I am.

I worry almost every single time if people actually hate me. If they saw through me and think of how I am such a horrid person. Laughed behind me at how clueless I am. That I was stupid enough to thought that they liked me but they actually think I am the weirdest person ever. All these things constantly runs through my mind. Always.

Sometimes, I wish I could just curl up and cry until someone saves me. Because I AM JUST SO SCARED.

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A RUNAWAY COWARD I AM.

 

Detestable . Weird . Disgusting.

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Yesterday night, a cockroach flew into my room. As if it wasn’t a horrible day enough for me, it never went away and I, ended up migrating out of my room! I didn’t surrender immediately but it was a battle I couldn’t have won because it was a flying cockroach !!! ( FLYING ! ) So, I ran away.

It made me wonder though, did it came here to remind me that I’m as detestable and disgusting as it is ? Something everyone despises. Meant to trample upon and live in the dark. Yet, is enduring and annoyingly persistent holding on to dear life.

What made me become like this? Or was I always like this that I never realised ?
Sometimes, or most of the time, I really wonder, if I’m like a cockroach to everyone else.

Something so persistent and annoying. Disgusting and hateful. Although you hate it, it’s always there and you wish you could’ve gotten rid of it but at the same time, pity it for it’s miserable and insignificant little life. Am I like a cockroach ?

It’s true that everyone says that we can never please everyone in our life. We can never be loved and love everyone. But at this point, I even find myself detestable.

I hate myself for not being good enough.
I hate myself for the times I took a break. For the times I ate chocolates instead of fruits.
For the times I’m not working or studying but watching a movie.
For the times I’m spending money and not earning it.

What am I chasing after exactly ? What am I reaching for that I forgot how to enjoy a little joke and dance a little along the way. What goal was it that I’ve set for myself that I tear myself apart each time I’m not walking forward. What am I reaching out to? Is it the castle in the sky? I have long forgotten. Forgotten where and what am I heading to.

Maybe, I’m just clinging on for survival. Counting the stars like I count the people I owe along the way. Do they hate me for my incompetence ?

Maybe , I’m really reaching for that castle in the sky. Will I ever reach it? Will I ever be safe ? Will I reach my refuge ? Or maybe, the route is too tough that I should just shelter somewhere else ?

I’m tired of struggling through every second. Although I take a step forward each time. I feel like I am getting further and further from that castle. That castle in the sky.

Ah! I’m running away. But why am I running away from that castle ? Perhaps, I’m afraid of what lies before me. Perhaps I am afraid of the knives and bullets that I’ll face. Perhaps more than that. Perhaps, I am just afraid of everything.

How long have I been running away? How long have I thought I was walking towards the castle but I’m actually running away? Far Far Away.

Where am I now? I can’t see the castle anymore. I am afraid of falling again. Afraid of starting over again. Because I think, if I fall again, I’m really going to die. Is death an escape plan? Is death running away as well? But running away forever ?

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A lowly creature lurking in the dark.

Am I detestable ?