Tag Archives: people

Beautiful Nightmare

At some point in our lives, we just happened to be drowning and struggling. But in the midst, we were fortunate enough to be kissed by an angel. It was so beautiful. So Magical. How can something like this ever be bad ? I don’t want to wake up from this beautiful nightmare. I don’t want to get out of this addictive pain. Let me be drenched in anxiety. Let the river of hurtful tears flow. Let me shatter. Piece by Piece. And in the end, I’ll stand before you and smile. For the scars that will never heal. For the missing pieces I don’t want to find anymore.  If I had the chance, I would choose the same. I would go through it all again. Because I’m addicted to the high and numb to the pain. Keep me high all night. Keep me high all day. Break me and fix me over and over again. What you created, now stands before you. Why do you not love this soul anymore? I still love you. Always. Even in all of the madness, I loved you. I loved all of you. Even when I am out of my mind. I love you . . .

 

A Simple Heart

Annyeong ! ~ It’s been so long since I wrote anything despite the fact that so many things have been happening. Somehow, I didn’t really have anything to write or any thoughts to share. But it occured to me today that simplicity is an expensive gift. Have you ever came across a minimalist shop and walked in thinking you could buy something out of it because it looks so simple and therefore, it must be cheap but uh-uh! To your surprise, its way more expensive than something with more complications to it. Then you walked out and thought you could make it yourself anyways but then, when you tried, you realised it didn’t look the same. Because, it wasn’t the same.

A simple and pure thing is much more rare and precious. Just like a simple and pure heart. One that goes through all kinds of pollutions and obstruction but learns how to simplify and purify itself over and over again. To be simple is not to be lacking but rather, to have more than enough.

It only takes a smile to make a simple person content. It only took that little to make me feel like I was the happiest person in the world.

I am 20 now. And I realised my relentless pursuit for perfection and success were nothing but vanity.

Often I questioned myself, what am I doing ? Why am I doing this ? Do I truly find meaning in this ? What is it then that I find meaning in ? Why do I smile when I am not happy ? Why do I laugh and not feel joy ? Why am I always so sad ? Maybe I did felt happy when I was laughing or smiling. Maybe for that few seconds I felt like my world went blank. It was a minute of pleasure that was rather inexpensive.

Is it success or wealth or fame that would’ve made me happy ? Somehow I am uncertain what I really want because I am uncertain even of who I am. Am I the little girl who still smiles happily when she eats an ice cream or am I the woman chasing after wealth and perfection ? Am I the one who would laughed and thought it was funny when I stained my shirt or the one that flares up at someone for leaving a mark on my expensive dress? Am I still the one that would feel happy for someone’s success or the jealous one that tries to step on everyone ?

They say, you need to be cunning to be successful and rich. Somehow, I agree. It is such a competitive and manipulative world that its so hard to find a shred of positivity sometimes. But at one of my most lonely and sad times, someone lend me an umbrella. It somehow felt like a little bit of warmth came through this dark and cold castle.

I was a simple hearted person who would laughed and smiled a whole lot but somehow everything changed. I needed to fight and protect myself. I needed to survive. I wouldn’t say there was anything good of me but if there was one thing, it was my reluctance to die. I wouldn’t want to die off just like that and hence, my survival instinct and resilience were somehow really strong. I mean, I would grumble and feel all depressed and stuff but I did get up over and over again to fight on.

For a long time, I felt like I have been fighting this never-ending battle. It somehow felt like it stopped for a little while because someone was fighting alongside me and it didn’t felt that hard. It was a short moment of bliss. I learnt how to love again. To be a little bit more generous and a little kinder. But then, it didn’t last very long. Sometimes, beautiful things don’t just come to us right ? At least, it doesn’t come so simply to me. I started to feel scared and nervous all over again. And I became a whole new person I never knew. I became a horrible monster. Although life was really hard then, I was still able to smile and be kind but now, it seems like its so difficult. It seems like I am just fiercely fighting through. Fiercely protecting myself and cutting off everything that didn’t have any significant importance. I did just harden my heart and told myself that it was okay to be cruel because I did be trampled upon if I wasn’t.

I did give in to doing so many horrible things that weren’t right and things that I should never have done. Slowly, I have gave in to all the pollutions in the pursuit of perfection and wealth. Before I knew it, I didn’t recognise myself anymore.

What is meaningful to you ? Is it the successful people who devote their entire lifetime perfecting something and proving the greatness of humans ? OR is it the simple life of one that bears hardships and happiness with love and kindness ? Somehow, even if you’re not pursuing something, life may still be a horrid and dark but the perspective of it would’ve changed a lot of things.

I never really wanted to be extremely successful or wealthy. But it felt like it was wrong if I didn’t want it. It felt as if I was a disappointment if I never made it to the top. When I was younger, I did cried if I didn’t get first place in something. Then, my parents would hug me and told me it was okay and that I could try harder next time. Now, life is so hard. Its so hard that I wish someone could just hug me and told me it was okay. Most of all, I wished I could just hug myself and tell myself that it is all perfectly okay. It’s okay not to be the best. It’s okay if things weren’t perfect. Its okay if you screwed up or make a mistake. Even so, you’re still loved. Deeply loved. And that you can just smile and laugh at anything at all. There is nothing wrong in being happy. It’s okay to be happy even when things isn’t going all too well. Its okay to be me. Its okay to live a simple life. It’s okay to not want to keep pursuing further. It’s okay to just stop.

I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to keep feeling sad and crying over and over again.

I just want to go home. Please.

 

 

 

T H E H O A R D E R

me

Whenever I clean my living space, I realised that I have a huge problem when it comes to discarding things. I tend to hold on to things with sentimental value. And even things that have no value and should be just trash. I always needed to keep it awhile until I decided that I can finally let it go. Recently, when life has been going downhill, I’ve been moving a lot and I realised that I’ve been keeping so many things with me. Some that I really cherished and some are just mere trash that I simply can’t bare to let go. Why do I keep trash with me? Maybe, they reminded me of something or perhaps, I just wanted to own it for a little while longer. That’s the greedy and selfish person I am. Each time I threw away something, it is like throwing away a part of me. Why do people have attachment to things? Because they were given by the people whom they once had a certain attachment with. I think its the same with people too. Even when I’ve discarded them and they would’ve even considered trash, I still feel like I’ve been holding on to them. Maybe I was hoping for something different. Maybe I was just being greedy and selfish just like a hoarder. Or maybe, I really cherished them. Whichever it was doesn’t matter anymore because its a part of the discarded.

And the question comes. Is it cruel and wrong to not cherish the people who have loved you ? Many times, I have felt guilty, wrong and deeply hurt because I have not cherished the people who have cherished me enough. People always think that only one person is hurting but in truth, it isn’t like that. At least it wasn’t like that for me. However, I’ve realised that there is nothing wrong with choosing who to love and who to discard. We were never held responsible to reciprocate a certain feeling. Even Jesus never forced anyone to love and respect Him for His great sacrifice. Yet there were so many humans who condemned another just because they didn’t love as much. I finally learnt that there is nothing wrong even when others were always thinking its your fault because you didn’t love him enough. What’s wrong was that someone who forced you to love them because they loved you. And people who stood by judging because they did had nothing better to do.

Being a hoarder, even when I didn’t love something, I wasn’t willing to throw it away. I don’t know why. Except that I am greedy and selfish. But living a nomadic life had taught me how to be minimalistic. And somehow, it applies to people too. There is so much relation to things and people isn’t there ?