Tag Archives: me

A Simple Heart

Annyeong ! ~ It’s been so long since I wrote anything despite the fact that so many things have been happening. Somehow, I didn’t really have anything to write or any thoughts to share. But it occured to me today that simplicity is an expensive gift. Have you ever came across a minimalist shop and walked in thinking you could buy something out of it because it looks so simple and therefore, it must be cheap but uh-uh! To your surprise, its way more expensive than something with more complications to it. Then you walked out and thought you could make it yourself anyways but then, when you tried, you realised it didn’t look the same. Because, it wasn’t the same.

A simple and pure thing is much more rare and precious. Just like a simple and pure heart. One that goes through all kinds of pollutions and obstruction but learns how to simplify and purify itself over and over again. To be simple is not to be lacking but rather, to have more than enough.

It only takes a smile to make a simple person content. It only took that little to make me feel like I was the happiest person in the world.

I am 20 now. And I realised my relentless pursuit for perfection and success were nothing but vanity.

Often I questioned myself, what am I doing ? Why am I doing this ? Do I truly find meaning in this ? What is it then that I find meaning in ? Why do I smile when I am not happy ? Why do I laugh and not feel joy ? Why am I always so sad ? Maybe I did felt happy when I was laughing or smiling. Maybe for that few seconds I felt like my world went blank. It was a minute of pleasure that was rather inexpensive.

Is it success or wealth or fame that would’ve made me happy ? Somehow I am uncertain what I really want because I am uncertain even of who I am. Am I the little girl who still smiles happily when she eats an ice cream or am I the woman chasing after wealth and perfection ? Am I the one who would laughed and thought it was funny when I stained my shirt or the one that flares up at someone for leaving a mark on my expensive dress? Am I still the one that would feel happy for someone’s success or the jealous one that tries to step on everyone ?

They say, you need to be cunning to be successful and rich. Somehow, I agree. It is such a competitive and manipulative world that its so hard to find a shred of positivity sometimes. But at one of my most lonely and sad times, someone lend me an umbrella. It somehow felt like a little bit of warmth came through this dark and cold castle.

I was a simple hearted person who would laughed and smiled a whole lot but somehow everything changed. I needed to fight and protect myself. I needed to survive. I wouldn’t say there was anything good of me but if there was one thing, it was my reluctance to die. I wouldn’t want to die off just like that and hence, my survival instinct and resilience were somehow really strong. I mean, I would grumble and feel all depressed and stuff but I did get up over and over again to fight on.

For a long time, I felt like I have been fighting this never-ending battle. It somehow felt like it stopped for a little while because someone was fighting alongside me and it didn’t felt that hard. It was a short moment of bliss. I learnt how to love again. To be a little bit more generous and a little kinder. But then, it didn’t last very long. Sometimes, beautiful things don’t just come to us right ? At least, it doesn’t come so simply to me. I started to feel scared and nervous all over again. And I became a whole new person I never knew. I became a horrible monster. Although life was really hard then, I was still able to smile and be kind but now, it seems like its so difficult. It seems like I am just fiercely fighting through. Fiercely protecting myself and cutting off everything that didn’t have any significant importance. I did just harden my heart and told myself that it was okay to be cruel because I did be trampled upon if I wasn’t.

I did give in to doing so many horrible things that weren’t right and things that I should never have done. Slowly, I have gave in to all the pollutions in the pursuit of perfection and wealth. Before I knew it, I didn’t recognise myself anymore.

What is meaningful to you ? Is it the successful people who devote their entire lifetime perfecting something and proving the greatness of humans ? OR is it the simple life of one that bears hardships and happiness with love and kindness ? Somehow, even if you’re not pursuing something, life may still be a horrid and dark but the perspective of it would’ve changed a lot of things.

I never really wanted to be extremely successful or wealthy. But it felt like it was wrong if I didn’t want it. It felt as if I was a disappointment if I never made it to the top. When I was younger, I did cried if I didn’t get first place in something. Then, my parents would hug me and told me it was okay and that I could try harder next time. Now, life is so hard. Its so hard that I wish someone could just hug me and told me it was okay. Most of all, I wished I could just hug myself and tell myself that it is all perfectly okay. It’s okay not to be the best. It’s okay if things weren’t perfect. Its okay if you screwed up or make a mistake. Even so, you’re still loved. Deeply loved. And that you can just smile and laugh at anything at all. There is nothing wrong in being happy. It’s okay to be happy even when things isn’t going all too well. Its okay to be me. Its okay to live a simple life. It’s okay to not want to keep pursuing further. It’s okay to just stop.

I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to keep feeling sad and crying over and over again.

I just want to go home. Please.

 

 

 

The Simple Great Love

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Today morning, I woke up early and stumbled upon the name, Judah Smith.

Recently, I’ve decided to seek God again. To let Him be a part of my life. The truth is, Jesus has always been a part of my life but sometimes, I push him away because of my own humanity. Because I was ashamed and condemned of my own wrongdoings and sin. I felt that I am unworthy. I am unworthy of his love. Unworthy to be called a Christian. I keep walking away. Further and further I go. Maybe, I was lazy as well. My heart didn’t felt like going to Him. Maybe it was because of trust issues. I thought, God wouldn’t help me anymore because I didn’t obey Him. God doesn’t love me anymore because I sinned.

I was drowning. Drowning in my own insecurities and insufficiency. Drowning in all of my humanity and all my self righteousness. Drowning in my own judgement of myself. You see, I am a person who likes to beat myself up emotionally. I constantly blame myself for everything. I tell myself I am not good enough. That I am a horrible person. That I am wrong. That I wasn’t kind. That I hurt people and so I am  no longer loved. Each and every single day, I lived my life in constant fear. I fear that when people get too close to me, they would see my darkness and weakness and all my flaws. I fear that when they see me crumbling down, they would condemn me. They would say that I am not Christian enough. I keep living relying on myself. Relying on my own strength and ignoring God despite Him who was always walking by my side.

But do you know what ? As I was rejecting Him. As I was walking on my own path. Suffering and hurting because of my own pride and so called ‘wisdom and law’. HE WAS WITH ME. HE WAS WITH ME IN ALL MY DARKEST MOMENTS. He hears me screaming and crying all alone at night. He saw my struggles and hurt. He sat through me as I condemned myself. And He reached out to me when I was breaking and falling apart.

He keeps on telling me that I am loved. That I am not alone. That He is for me and not against me.

The truth is, God doesn’t NEED us but rather, He WANTS us because he LOVE us. It is because of His great love, mercy and grace that we live. It is not by my actions that people would come to know Him but by His name. It is not because of my insufficiency that makes me unworthy of Him because we are NOT MEASURED BY WORTH but we are all worthy because of His LOVE.

I’ve enough of sitting in the dark and being scared of myself. I want to hold the hand that He has reached out to me. Because he Loved Me First. I want to learn to seek Him in all of my weakness and flaws. I want to learn to worship Him even when I am sinful and wrong. I want to live in His love and grace with a simple heart.

The Pursuit of Happiness_Day 1

T H E H O A R D E R

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Whenever I clean my living space, I realised that I have a huge problem when it comes to discarding things. I tend to hold on to things with sentimental value. And even things that have no value and should be just trash. I always needed to keep it awhile until I decided that I can finally let it go. Recently, when life has been going downhill, I’ve been moving a lot and I realised that I’ve been keeping so many things with me. Some that I really cherished and some are just mere trash that I simply can’t bare to let go. Why do I keep trash with me? Maybe, they reminded me of something or perhaps, I just wanted to own it for a little while longer. That’s the greedy and selfish person I am. Each time I threw away something, it is like throwing away a part of me. Why do people have attachment to things? Because they were given by the people whom they once had a certain attachment with. I think its the same with people too. Even when I’ve discarded them and they would’ve even considered trash, I still feel like I’ve been holding on to them. Maybe I was hoping for something different. Maybe I was just being greedy and selfish just like a hoarder. Or maybe, I really cherished them. Whichever it was doesn’t matter anymore because its a part of the discarded.

And the question comes. Is it cruel and wrong to not cherish the people who have loved you ? Many times, I have felt guilty, wrong and deeply hurt because I have not cherished the people who have cherished me enough. People always think that only one person is hurting but in truth, it isn’t like that. At least it wasn’t like that for me. However, I’ve realised that there is nothing wrong with choosing who to love and who to discard. We were never held responsible to reciprocate a certain feeling. Even Jesus never forced anyone to love and respect Him for His great sacrifice. Yet there were so many humans who condemned another just because they didn’t love as much. I finally learnt that there is nothing wrong even when others were always thinking its your fault because you didn’t love him enough. What’s wrong was that someone who forced you to love them because they loved you. And people who stood by judging because they did had nothing better to do.

Being a hoarder, even when I didn’t love something, I wasn’t willing to throw it away. I don’t know why. Except that I am greedy and selfish. But living a nomadic life had taught me how to be minimalistic. And somehow, it applies to people too. There is so much relation to things and people isn’t there ?

01-02-2017 ( Broken Pieces )

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Broken pieces don’t fit together.

Because, there are tiny shards that can never be found. The thread-like flaws can’t be seen but it is there. Now and forevermore.

We are broken pieces.

We see the flaws in each other that others don’t see.

My edge just doesn’t seems to fit to yours and yours to mine.

I see the frustration, desperation and helplessness in you and you in me.

I feel annoyed and angry and sympathy. Yet, it felt like I don’t have the right to feel that way.

Because, am I the same ?

Do you feel the same way ?

Maybe because we are broken pieces.

Maybe because we don’t fit together.

Maybe because of that, we understand.

D I S S A P O I N T M E N T

D I S S A P P O I N T M E N T ! That’s the only thing that was overflowing when she returned home. She had always longed to go back home. To the warm and loving home that she remembered. But such ideals were only dreams that were shattered into pieces the moment she stepped home. It is a cold and lonely home. For once, the ice cold marble floor seems to transmit it’s chill right to her heart. The air conditioner seems to be cooler than usual although everything else around is burning. The cold water was like a wake up call. One that remind her that this is not home anymore. The people she know or once knew were like strangers to her. Their souls were cold. Just like the ones she stepped away from. ‘Have everything around me became cold and distant?’ she wondered.

The days passed by and although she walked under the sun and bathed in hot shower, it still felt cold. It was like apart of her was frozen. And there she was, among the crowd and cheer, only to be an ice princess in a frozen castle.

‘Where have everyone gone to ? Were they just my imagination ? ‘ she thought to herself.

‘Hello! Hello! Can you hear me? Are you listening? ‘ she called out.

There was no answer.

‘It’s freezing here. Get me out! Hello! Get me out!’ she called out again.

Over and over again there was no answer.

Slowly, everything faded. There was nothing and no one except her in the cold and lonely castle.

Sometimes, we wished for something so much we tend to betray ourselves that what we see is what we wished for. We try to see what we are seeing as how we want to see it.

She was the same.

She always thought that her home was one with warmth and love. She wished it was filled with cheer and laughter. But it was nothing like that.

The Ice Princess then woke and realized it was all just a dream. She was lying to herself. She was pretending and trying to convince herself. But somehow, even what was in her head shattered.

It takes one knock to shatter a fragile heart made out of the ice.

My Grandfather.

Have you ever dislike someone so much you wished they could be just instantly wiped away from your life ?

Well, I’ve lived a long and pretty much innocent and bright life but I, for once, wished someone I really dislike would be wiped away from my life.

I hoped that someday, when I wake up, he would have already been gone. Non-existent.

Maybe that is cruel of me, but this horrible man is beyond disgusting. Pure Toxic.

How would you define a bad man ?

He is everything and beyond what you could think of.

That man is my horrible grandfather. I wish with every living breath I have that he would be non-existent in my life.

How could one man curse and cause hurt to three generations of people ? There must be some talent to do that. A talent that I do not have.

Talent to hurt others yet make everyone thinks it’s otherwise. Is this a game that plays with the sympathy of people’s minds for the old  ? Ah! He sure made me look at things in different angles.

A long long time ago, I would’ve thought that old people who were ignored and abandoned were pitiful and those who did it were heartless. Now, not so. I wish I could wipe away this part of my heart that feels the sympathy for the elderly. I do not want to end up helping a horrible devil only to inflict more hurt to those who were thought to be heartless.

Our neighbour, who is pretty much some kind of witch, ( I am very very sure she is) chose to help and give attention to this devil condemning my dad to be a useless and unfilial son. But what does a witch know ?

Does she know that that disgusting man is the reason all of us suffers ? The reason my grandma went through mental distress ? The reason we were all anchored here. His roots that ties you to the ground. Like a cage that locks a bird condemning it to be flightless forever. Does she knows that horrible man cons people and played with women’s feelings ? Does she knows he tramples and kills the ones who held their hands out to him ?

A gambler is a selfish man. A womaniser is a man without compassion. A cheater is a crooked man. An ignorant man is a man who will never change his ways. And my grandfather is all of it. He will be an amusing and probably a respectable character to strangers but a blunt sword that cuts your skin over and over again to the ones close to him.

A man who is arrogant brings death to those who are around him. Yet, he is as lowly as a cockroach. One who is despicable yet annoyingly clings on to dear life. Clings on to you like a pest you want to get rid off. But one you can never get rid off because the moment you reach out to kill it, it bites you.

That is My Grandfather. The Man I’ve grown to hate.

The Runaway

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Today, my landlady wanted to talk to me and I was really afraid because I would have no excuse to avoid the conversation.

‘She seemed angry.’ I thought.

The moment she knocked on my door, all my hairs stand and I immediately stood up and reach for the door.

Before she had a chance to say much I immediately told her I could move out if she was unhappy.

She was in shock and we both proceed into a long and deep conversation.

Although I think she didn’t really understand what I was trying to say, I understood.

I understood why I said that. I understood why she thought I was someone who reacts too fast, judge too quickly, and jumps into conclusion even quicker.

Truth is, I am just afraid. I always feel extremely nervous before anything even begins. I am afraid to pick up calls. Afraid to read and reply text messages. Afraid to talk to people and practically panic about almost every single thing. If you tell me that I am ugly, a billion things will be running in my mind over and over again.

I AM JUST AFRAID TO MESS UP! BECAUSE I RATHER DIE THAN FACE FAILURE.

Maybe, you can say that I am oversensitive but definitely not arrogant. I do not act like this out of arrogance. Well, maybe it seemed like arrogance because I always try to believe in my own judgement. It might not seem so but I try to understand and ignore everything. I want to understand yet I want not to be apart of it. Even now, I don’t really know myself.

But I am the runaway coward that’s afraid to face what’s before her. Maybe the giants are too big for me. I am scared that I’ll drown and no one will pick me up. Because, I found myself choking to death more times than I could ever count.

Even now, you could see I use ‘because’ so much just to justify myself. It is a certain habit of mine that I feel the need to justify myself each and every time. I am just so afraid. Do you know how it feels to like to live with anxiety choking you every minute ? To worry about whether you locked the door or not. Or was it the lights you left on? Did you forget an important meeting? Was it someone’s birthday awhile ago that you forgot? And all these little things that seemed insignificant to others are the things you could crucify yourself for.

I was brought up with pure joy and love but regardless, I grew up in a bitter and harsh environment. Where you are blamed and condemned for almost everything. The constant pressure someone made me into this weird being that I am.

I worry almost every single time if people actually hate me. If they saw through me and think of how I am such a horrid person. Laughed behind me at how clueless I am. That I was stupid enough to thought that they liked me but they actually think I am the weirdest person ever. All these things constantly runs through my mind. Always.

Sometimes, I wish I could just curl up and cry until someone saves me. Because I AM JUST SO SCARED.

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A RUNAWAY COWARD I AM.