Tag Archives: love

The Simple Great Love

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Today morning, I woke up early and stumbled upon the name, Judah Smith.

Recently, I’ve decided to seek God again. To let Him be a part of my life. The truth is, Jesus has always been a part of my life but sometimes, I push him away because of my own humanity. Because I was ashamed and condemned of my own wrongdoings and sin. I felt that I am unworthy. I am unworthy of his love. Unworthy to be called a Christian. I keep walking away. Further and further I go. Maybe, I was lazy as well. My heart didn’t felt like going to Him. Maybe it was because of trust issues. I thought, God wouldn’t help me anymore because I didn’t obey Him. God doesn’t love me anymore because I sinned.

I was drowning. Drowning in my own insecurities and insufficiency. Drowning in all of my humanity and all my self righteousness. Drowning in my own judgement of myself. You see, I am a person who likes to beat myself up emotionally. I constantly blame myself for everything. I tell myself I am not good enough. That I am a horrible person. That I am wrong. That I wasn’t kind. That I hurt people and so I am  no longer loved. Each and every single day, I lived my life in constant fear. I fear that when people get too close to me, they would see my darkness and weakness and all my flaws. I fear that when they see me crumbling down, they would condemn me. They would say that I am not Christian enough. I keep living relying on myself. Relying on my own strength and ignoring God despite Him who was always walking by my side.

But do you know what ? As I was rejecting Him. As I was walking on my own path. Suffering and hurting because of my own pride and so called ‘wisdom and law’. HE WAS WITH ME. HE WAS WITH ME IN ALL MY DARKEST MOMENTS. He hears me screaming and crying all alone at night. He saw my struggles and hurt. He sat through me as I condemned myself. And He reached out to me when I was breaking and falling apart.

He keeps on telling me that I am loved. That I am not alone. That He is for me and not against me.

The truth is, God doesn’t NEED us but rather, He WANTS us because he LOVE us. It is because of His great love, mercy and grace that we live. It is not by my actions that people would come to know Him but by His name. It is not because of my insufficiency that makes me unworthy of Him because we are NOT MEASURED BY WORTH but we are all worthy because of His LOVE.

I’ve enough of sitting in the dark and being scared of myself. I want to hold the hand that He has reached out to me. Because he Loved Me First. I want to learn to seek Him in all of my weakness and flaws. I want to learn to worship Him even when I am sinful and wrong. I want to live in His love and grace with a simple heart.

The Pursuit of Happiness_Day 1

T H E H O A R D E R

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Whenever I clean my living space, I realised that I have a huge problem when it comes to discarding things. I tend to hold on to things with sentimental value. And even things that have no value and should be just trash. I always needed to keep it awhile until I decided that I can finally let it go. Recently, when life has been going downhill, I’ve been moving a lot and I realised that I’ve been keeping so many things with me. Some that I really cherished and some are just mere trash that I simply can’t bare to let go. Why do I keep trash with me? Maybe, they reminded me of something or perhaps, I just wanted to own it for a little while longer. That’s the greedy and selfish person I am. Each time I threw away something, it is like throwing away a part of me. Why do people have attachment to things? Because they were given by the people whom they once had a certain attachment with. I think its the same with people too. Even when I’ve discarded them and they would’ve even considered trash, I still feel like I’ve been holding on to them. Maybe I was hoping for something different. Maybe I was just being greedy and selfish just like a hoarder. Or maybe, I really cherished them. Whichever it was doesn’t matter anymore because its a part of the discarded.

And the question comes. Is it cruel and wrong to not cherish the people who have loved you ? Many times, I have felt guilty, wrong and deeply hurt because I have not cherished the people who have cherished me enough. People always think that only one person is hurting but in truth, it isn’t like that. At least it wasn’t like that for me. However, I’ve realised that there is nothing wrong with choosing who to love and who to discard. We were never held responsible to reciprocate a certain feeling. Even Jesus never forced anyone to love and respect Him for His great sacrifice. Yet there were so many humans who condemned another just because they didn’t love as much. I finally learnt that there is nothing wrong even when others were always thinking its your fault because you didn’t love him enough. What’s wrong was that someone who forced you to love them because they loved you. And people who stood by judging because they did had nothing better to do.

Being a hoarder, even when I didn’t love something, I wasn’t willing to throw it away. I don’t know why. Except that I am greedy and selfish. But living a nomadic life had taught me how to be minimalistic. And somehow, it applies to people too. There is so much relation to things and people isn’t there ?

01-02-2017 ( Broken Pieces )

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Broken pieces don’t fit together.

Because, there are tiny shards that can never be found. The thread-like flaws can’t be seen but it is there. Now and forevermore.

We are broken pieces.

We see the flaws in each other that others don’t see.

My edge just doesn’t seems to fit to yours and yours to mine.

I see the frustration, desperation and helplessness in you and you in me.

I feel annoyed and angry and sympathy. Yet, it felt like I don’t have the right to feel that way.

Because, am I the same ?

Do you feel the same way ?

Maybe because we are broken pieces.

Maybe because we don’t fit together.

Maybe because of that, we understand.

02-01-2017

mermaid

Art Credits to the Artist.

And the little mermaid disappeared, like sea foam.

It seemed like a sad story because there was no happily after for the Little Mermaid and her Prince.

In his life, he will never remember her. He will never know her and He will never think of her.

Even if he is to see her again, she would be nothing but a stranger to him.

If they were to cross paths again, only the Little Mermaid would look from afar and smile, as she remembers him but the prince will just pass her by without a second glance.

Still, the Little Mermaid did not regret loving the Prince.

Even if he would never love or remember her, she was happy she loved him.

Even if I was oblivious all this while, Thank You for Loving Me.

Seul.

 

The Runaway

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Today, my landlady wanted to talk to me and I was really afraid because I would have no excuse to avoid the conversation.

‘She seemed angry.’ I thought.

The moment she knocked on my door, all my hairs stand and I immediately stood up and reach for the door.

Before she had a chance to say much I immediately told her I could move out if she was unhappy.

She was in shock and we both proceed into a long and deep conversation.

Although I think she didn’t really understand what I was trying to say, I understood.

I understood why I said that. I understood why she thought I was someone who reacts too fast, judge too quickly, and jumps into conclusion even quicker.

Truth is, I am just afraid. I always feel extremely nervous before anything even begins. I am afraid to pick up calls. Afraid to read and reply text messages. Afraid to talk to people and practically panic about almost every single thing. If you tell me that I am ugly, a billion things will be running in my mind over and over again.

I AM JUST AFRAID TO MESS UP! BECAUSE I RATHER DIE THAN FACE FAILURE.

Maybe, you can say that I am oversensitive but definitely not arrogant. I do not act like this out of arrogance. Well, maybe it seemed like arrogance because I always try to believe in my own judgement. It might not seem so but I try to understand and ignore everything. I want to understand yet I want not to be apart of it. Even now, I don’t really know myself.

But I am the runaway coward that’s afraid to face what’s before her. Maybe the giants are too big for me. I am scared that I’ll drown and no one will pick me up. Because, I found myself choking to death more times than I could ever count.

Even now, you could see I use ‘because’ so much just to justify myself. It is a certain habit of mine that I feel the need to justify myself each and every time. I am just so afraid. Do you know how it feels to like to live with anxiety choking you every minute ? To worry about whether you locked the door or not. Or was it the lights you left on? Did you forget an important meeting? Was it someone’s birthday awhile ago that you forgot? And all these little things that seemed insignificant to others are the things you could crucify yourself for.

I was brought up with pure joy and love but regardless, I grew up in a bitter and harsh environment. Where you are blamed and condemned for almost everything. The constant pressure someone made me into this weird being that I am.

I worry almost every single time if people actually hate me. If they saw through me and think of how I am such a horrid person. Laughed behind me at how clueless I am. That I was stupid enough to thought that they liked me but they actually think I am the weirdest person ever. All these things constantly runs through my mind. Always.

Sometimes, I wish I could just curl up and cry until someone saves me. Because I AM JUST SO SCARED.

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A RUNAWAY COWARD I AM.

 

Strong World ( Part 2 )

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When everything seems too good to be true, the next thing she knew was that it’s all over. Time truly waits for no man. You never know when you’ll have everything you want or lose everything in a single blinking moment. She has everything she needs because of her Provider but there are many things that she longed for as a human. All humans feel the hurt of lost whether it is to a person or a valued thing. What more, a sensitive and emotional girl like her.

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Everything that was familiar to her suddenly became foreign. Like she was all alone again. Her friend won’t talk to her. Her room mate despise her and accused her. Her relatives were all looking at her with those eyes that makes you feel like you’re condemned. There was also work and school to be stressed about. Financial issues that had to be solved. Family matters to tend to. Her father and sister had fallen into depression and here she was desperately trying to hold on to dear life and reaching out to them at the same time. Why wasn’t there someone who reached out at this very moment of her desperation. There wasn’t even time to cry or drown in sadness and solitude for awhile till she could hear herself again. Instead, she just laughed it all away. It was going to be okay. Right?

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The constant need to be okay slowly wore her out. She’s tired. She’s exhausted. She’s empty and broken.

Why am I smiling ? Why am I crying ? Why am I sad ? Why am I just staring blankly ? What am I doing ? Who am I exactly ? were the questions she constantly asked herself. Over and over again. ‘Stop thinking too much! I am sure you’re just being emotional today!’ she laughs.

make-out

But not today. It’s over now. She’s picking herself up again because she’s a warrior. She’s standing up again because she’s a strong woman. She’ll fight again. She’ll be strong again. Over and over again.

She knows its okay to be broken. It’s okay to be depressed. It’s okay to be sensitive and emotional. It’s okay to be herself even though she is unsure of who she is.

A fragile heart in a cruel world.

When is it, will the world be much kinder to me- I wonder.

-Strong World – Seul

 

02. Strong World ( Part 1 )

And everything around her came falling apart. She reached out to touch the broken pieces only to see herself shattering apart. Just like everything around her. 

The tears won’t come. Rather, she went around comforting people around her and telling them that everything was okay. It didn’t even feel real. It all happened too fast. Why isn’t it like the movies ? Why didn’t she wake up when she hold her hands and tears came rolling down ? Why is she still asleep ? Why is she not breathing ? Did the sadness in my heart not reach out to God ? Why didn’t He send her back to earth after visiting heaven ? Why didn’t a miracle happened ?

There was so many questions unanswered and so many things unsaid and all she could think of was more questions.

Even when the cloth came up, she still hoped that her mother would just wake up and smile and everything will be alright again. Instead, she was greeted by the grieving audience beside her. Everyone came telling her she had to take care of her dad and her sister. All the responsibilities that came along with loss. She just smiled assuringly and nodded back. How can they be like that? Of course, that’s probably the only thing they could say at such a time. But still, there was probably something else to say wasn’t there ? All she wanted right now was to run away. Run far far away and just hide there for awhile. Why must she of all people bear the burden of responsibilities when she herself was at loss as well?

Everything soon came to past and she found herself hustling about again. There wasn’t a time for rest or grieve. Time just rushed her by and somewhere along the way, she just learn to smile as her heart bleed.

The funeral went by smoothly. She was laughing and joking around with her friends and family. Throughout the entire journey, she never shed a tear. ‘What a monster!’was probably what everyone else thought. When everything cleared up, she couldn’t hold it back in anymore and broke down. People just told her that it was useless to cry when everything is gone. They didn’t need to tell her that. She knows. She just wanted to break down and clear her mind. Was that wrong? Yes it was. She was too old to cry. She needed to grow up and be strong. She can’t be such a whiny child. TSK! SUCH A HORRIBLY INSENSIBLE CHILD!

Despite that, she had many people around her who were there for her. They reached out to her and comforted her in her deepest moments of grieve. Somehow, the one gone was the one who could give her the comfort that would satisfy her. She remembered that overtime she broke down and cried, the one who wasn’t here was the one who stood by her all the time before. Now everything is empty. Her world is falling apart despite everything. No matter how far you reach, somehow, her heart was too far away.

No time was wasted for grieve. Everything moved along just too fast. School applications, withdrawal forms and so many other procedures and things were waiting for her. And before she knew it, she was in another country, in another school and in another home. It was all a new beginning for her but it was something good and refreshing. It was a warm home and school was something to look forward to. At least, something to keep her mind away from all the negativity and darkness.

It was exhausting to be moving along at such a fast pace but it was the only thing that comforted her.

A fragile heart in a strong world begins her journey here. – Welcome to Singapore, Seul.