Tag Archives: journey

January Gone With The Wind

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A month ago, it was the beginning of 2017!

A year I looked forward to with great expectation and anticipation.

In this short month, so many things happened so swiftly I could barely remember anything.

Somehow, the feeling or rush and excitement although wearing thin, still stays.

Despite that, the exhaustion is also slowly creeping in to a dangerously strangling stage.

There are so many things I wish to accomplish but somehow, nothing seems accomplished.

Throughout this 30 days, there are some that felt like seconds and some that felt like years.

Looking back now, it all seems like yesterday.

It felt like only yesterday  I celebrated my birthday.

It felt like only yesterday I was rushing for submissions. Spending sleepless nights doing my assignments.

It felt like only yesterday I celebrated my friend’s birthday.

It felt like only yesterday I celebrated Chinese New Year.

It felt like only yesterday. Everything felt like it all just happened yesterday.

Although January came and go like the wind that pass us by, it was a month with lots of experiences and growth.

Wherever this path leads to, I’ll be right where I belong. I know I can be strong.

#THEPERSUITOFHAPPINESS

The Runaway

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Today, my landlady wanted to talk to me and I was really afraid because I would have no excuse to avoid the conversation.

‘She seemed angry.’ I thought.

The moment she knocked on my door, all my hairs stand and I immediately stood up and reach for the door.

Before she had a chance to say much I immediately told her I could move out if she was unhappy.

She was in shock and we both proceed into a long and deep conversation.

Although I think she didn’t really understand what I was trying to say, I understood.

I understood why I said that. I understood why she thought I was someone who reacts too fast, judge too quickly, and jumps into conclusion even quicker.

Truth is, I am just afraid. I always feel extremely nervous before anything even begins. I am afraid to pick up calls. Afraid to read and reply text messages. Afraid to talk to people and practically panic about almost every single thing. If you tell me that I am ugly, a billion things will be running in my mind over and over again.

I AM JUST AFRAID TO MESS UP! BECAUSE I RATHER DIE THAN FACE FAILURE.

Maybe, you can say that I am oversensitive but definitely not arrogant. I do not act like this out of arrogance. Well, maybe it seemed like arrogance because I always try to believe in my own judgement. It might not seem so but I try to understand and ignore everything. I want to understand yet I want not to be apart of it. Even now, I don’t really know myself.

But I am the runaway coward that’s afraid to face what’s before her. Maybe the giants are too big for me. I am scared that I’ll drown and no one will pick me up. Because, I found myself choking to death more times than I could ever count.

Even now, you could see I use ‘because’ so much just to justify myself. It is a certain habit of mine that I feel the need to justify myself each and every time. I am just so afraid. Do you know how it feels to like to live with anxiety choking you every minute ? To worry about whether you locked the door or not. Or was it the lights you left on? Did you forget an important meeting? Was it someone’s birthday awhile ago that you forgot? And all these little things that seemed insignificant to others are the things you could crucify yourself for.

I was brought up with pure joy and love but regardless, I grew up in a bitter and harsh environment. Where you are blamed and condemned for almost everything. The constant pressure someone made me into this weird being that I am.

I worry almost every single time if people actually hate me. If they saw through me and think of how I am such a horrid person. Laughed behind me at how clueless I am. That I was stupid enough to thought that they liked me but they actually think I am the weirdest person ever. All these things constantly runs through my mind. Always.

Sometimes, I wish I could just curl up and cry until someone saves me. Because I AM JUST SO SCARED.

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A RUNAWAY COWARD I AM.

 

Detestable . Weird . Disgusting.

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Yesterday night, a cockroach flew into my room. As if it wasn’t a horrible day enough for me, it never went away and I, ended up migrating out of my room! I didn’t surrender immediately but it was a battle I couldn’t have won because it was a flying cockroach !!! ( FLYING ! ) So, I ran away.

It made me wonder though, did it came here to remind me that I’m as detestable and disgusting as it is ? Something everyone despises. Meant to trample upon and live in the dark. Yet, is enduring and annoyingly persistent holding on to dear life.

What made me become like this? Or was I always like this that I never realised ?
Sometimes, or most of the time, I really wonder, if I’m like a cockroach to everyone else.

Something so persistent and annoying. Disgusting and hateful. Although you hate it, it’s always there and you wish you could’ve gotten rid of it but at the same time, pity it for it’s miserable and insignificant little life. Am I like a cockroach ?

It’s true that everyone says that we can never please everyone in our life. We can never be loved and love everyone. But at this point, I even find myself detestable.

I hate myself for not being good enough.
I hate myself for the times I took a break. For the times I ate chocolates instead of fruits.
For the times I’m not working or studying but watching a movie.
For the times I’m spending money and not earning it.

What am I chasing after exactly ? What am I reaching for that I forgot how to enjoy a little joke and dance a little along the way. What goal was it that I’ve set for myself that I tear myself apart each time I’m not walking forward. What am I reaching out to? Is it the castle in the sky? I have long forgotten. Forgotten where and what am I heading to.

Maybe, I’m just clinging on for survival. Counting the stars like I count the people I owe along the way. Do they hate me for my incompetence ?

Maybe , I’m really reaching for that castle in the sky. Will I ever reach it? Will I ever be safe ? Will I reach my refuge ? Or maybe, the route is too tough that I should just shelter somewhere else ?

I’m tired of struggling through every second. Although I take a step forward each time. I feel like I am getting further and further from that castle. That castle in the sky.

Ah! I’m running away. But why am I running away from that castle ? Perhaps, I’m afraid of what lies before me. Perhaps I am afraid of the knives and bullets that I’ll face. Perhaps more than that. Perhaps, I am just afraid of everything.

How long have I been running away? How long have I thought I was walking towards the castle but I’m actually running away? Far Far Away.

Where am I now? I can’t see the castle anymore. I am afraid of falling again. Afraid of starting over again. Because I think, if I fall again, I’m really going to die. Is death an escape plan? Is death running away as well? But running away forever ?

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A lowly creature lurking in the dark.

Am I detestable ?

02. Strong World ( Part 1 )

And everything around her came falling apart. She reached out to touch the broken pieces only to see herself shattering apart. Just like everything around her. 

The tears won’t come. Rather, she went around comforting people around her and telling them that everything was okay. It didn’t even feel real. It all happened too fast. Why isn’t it like the movies ? Why didn’t she wake up when she hold her hands and tears came rolling down ? Why is she still asleep ? Why is she not breathing ? Did the sadness in my heart not reach out to God ? Why didn’t He send her back to earth after visiting heaven ? Why didn’t a miracle happened ?

There was so many questions unanswered and so many things unsaid and all she could think of was more questions.

Even when the cloth came up, she still hoped that her mother would just wake up and smile and everything will be alright again. Instead, she was greeted by the grieving audience beside her. Everyone came telling her she had to take care of her dad and her sister. All the responsibilities that came along with loss. She just smiled assuringly and nodded back. How can they be like that? Of course, that’s probably the only thing they could say at such a time. But still, there was probably something else to say wasn’t there ? All she wanted right now was to run away. Run far far away and just hide there for awhile. Why must she of all people bear the burden of responsibilities when she herself was at loss as well?

Everything soon came to past and she found herself hustling about again. There wasn’t a time for rest or grieve. Time just rushed her by and somewhere along the way, she just learn to smile as her heart bleed.

The funeral went by smoothly. She was laughing and joking around with her friends and family. Throughout the entire journey, she never shed a tear. ‘What a monster!’was probably what everyone else thought. When everything cleared up, she couldn’t hold it back in anymore and broke down. People just told her that it was useless to cry when everything is gone. They didn’t need to tell her that. She knows. She just wanted to break down and clear her mind. Was that wrong? Yes it was. She was too old to cry. She needed to grow up and be strong. She can’t be such a whiny child. TSK! SUCH A HORRIBLY INSENSIBLE CHILD!

Despite that, she had many people around her who were there for her. They reached out to her and comforted her in her deepest moments of grieve. Somehow, the one gone was the one who could give her the comfort that would satisfy her. She remembered that overtime she broke down and cried, the one who wasn’t here was the one who stood by her all the time before. Now everything is empty. Her world is falling apart despite everything. No matter how far you reach, somehow, her heart was too far away.

No time was wasted for grieve. Everything moved along just too fast. School applications, withdrawal forms and so many other procedures and things were waiting for her. And before she knew it, she was in another country, in another school and in another home. It was all a new beginning for her but it was something good and refreshing. It was a warm home and school was something to look forward to. At least, something to keep her mind away from all the negativity and darkness.

It was exhausting to be moving along at such a fast pace but it was the only thing that comforted her.

A fragile heart in a strong world begins her journey here. – Welcome to Singapore, Seul.