Tag Archives: family

A Simple Heart

Annyeong ! ~ It’s been so long since I wrote anything despite the fact that so many things have been happening. Somehow, I didn’t really have anything to write or any thoughts to share. But it occured to me today that simplicity is an expensive gift. Have you ever came across a minimalist shop and walked in thinking you could buy something out of it because it looks so simple and therefore, it must be cheap but uh-uh! To your surprise, its way more expensive than something with more complications to it. Then you walked out and thought you could make it yourself anyways but then, when you tried, you realised it didn’t look the same. Because, it wasn’t the same.

A simple and pure thing is much more rare and precious. Just like a simple and pure heart. One that goes through all kinds of pollutions and obstruction but learns how to simplify and purify itself over and over again. To be simple is not to be lacking but rather, to have more than enough.

It only takes a smile to make a simple person content. It only took that little to make me feel like I was the happiest person in the world.

I am 20 now. And I realised my relentless pursuit for perfection and success were nothing but vanity.

Often I questioned myself, what am I doing ? Why am I doing this ? Do I truly find meaning in this ? What is it then that I find meaning in ? Why do I smile when I am not happy ? Why do I laugh and not feel joy ? Why am I always so sad ? Maybe I did felt happy when I was laughing or smiling. Maybe for that few seconds I felt like my world went blank. It was a minute of pleasure that was rather inexpensive.

Is it success or wealth or fame that would’ve made me happy ? Somehow I am uncertain what I really want because I am uncertain even of who I am. Am I the little girl who still smiles happily when she eats an ice cream or am I the woman chasing after wealth and perfection ? Am I the one who would laughed and thought it was funny when I stained my shirt or the one that flares up at someone for leaving a mark on my expensive dress? Am I still the one that would feel happy for someone’s success or the jealous one that tries to step on everyone ?

They say, you need to be cunning to be successful and rich. Somehow, I agree. It is such a competitive and manipulative world that its so hard to find a shred of positivity sometimes. But at one of my most lonely and sad times, someone lend me an umbrella. It somehow felt like a little bit of warmth came through this dark and cold castle.

I was a simple hearted person who would laughed and smiled a whole lot but somehow everything changed. I needed to fight and protect myself. I needed to survive. I wouldn’t say there was anything good of me but if there was one thing, it was my reluctance to die. I wouldn’t want to die off just like that and hence, my survival instinct and resilience were somehow really strong. I mean, I would grumble and feel all depressed and stuff but I did get up over and over again to fight on.

For a long time, I felt like I have been fighting this never-ending battle. It somehow felt like it stopped for a little while because someone was fighting alongside me and it didn’t felt that hard. It was a short moment of bliss. I learnt how to love again. To be a little bit more generous and a little kinder. But then, it didn’t last very long. Sometimes, beautiful things don’t just come to us right ? At least, it doesn’t come so simply to me. I started to feel scared and nervous all over again. And I became a whole new person I never knew. I became a horrible monster. Although life was really hard then, I was still able to smile and be kind but now, it seems like its so difficult. It seems like I am just fiercely fighting through. Fiercely protecting myself and cutting off everything that didn’t have any significant importance. I did just harden my heart and told myself that it was okay to be cruel because I did be trampled upon if I wasn’t.

I did give in to doing so many horrible things that weren’t right and things that I should never have done. Slowly, I have gave in to all the pollutions in the pursuit of perfection and wealth. Before I knew it, I didn’t recognise myself anymore.

What is meaningful to you ? Is it the successful people who devote their entire lifetime perfecting something and proving the greatness of humans ? OR is it the simple life of one that bears hardships and happiness with love and kindness ? Somehow, even if you’re not pursuing something, life may still be a horrid and dark but the perspective of it would’ve changed a lot of things.

I never really wanted to be extremely successful or wealthy. But it felt like it was wrong if I didn’t want it. It felt as if I was a disappointment if I never made it to the top. When I was younger, I did cried if I didn’t get first place in something. Then, my parents would hug me and told me it was okay and that I could try harder next time. Now, life is so hard. Its so hard that I wish someone could just hug me and told me it was okay. Most of all, I wished I could just hug myself and tell myself that it is all perfectly okay. It’s okay not to be the best. It’s okay if things weren’t perfect. Its okay if you screwed up or make a mistake. Even so, you’re still loved. Deeply loved. And that you can just smile and laugh at anything at all. There is nothing wrong in being happy. It’s okay to be happy even when things isn’t going all too well. Its okay to be me. Its okay to live a simple life. It’s okay to not want to keep pursuing further. It’s okay to just stop.

I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to keep feeling sad and crying over and over again.

I just want to go home. Please.

 

 

 

01-02-2017 ( Broken Pieces )

bp

Broken pieces don’t fit together.

Because, there are tiny shards that can never be found. The thread-like flaws can’t be seen but it is there. Now and forevermore.

We are broken pieces.

We see the flaws in each other that others don’t see.

My edge just doesn’t seems to fit to yours and yours to mine.

I see the frustration, desperation and helplessness in you and you in me.

I feel annoyed and angry and sympathy. Yet, it felt like I don’t have the right to feel that way.

Because, am I the same ?

Do you feel the same way ?

Maybe because we are broken pieces.

Maybe because we don’t fit together.

Maybe because of that, we understand.

D I S S A P O I N T M E N T

D I S S A P P O I N T M E N T ! That’s the only thing that was overflowing when she returned home. She had always longed to go back home. To the warm and loving home that she remembered. But such ideals were only dreams that were shattered into pieces the moment she stepped home. It is a cold and lonely home. For once, the ice cold marble floor seems to transmit it’s chill right to her heart. The air conditioner seems to be cooler than usual although everything else around is burning. The cold water was like a wake up call. One that remind her that this is not home anymore. The people she know or once knew were like strangers to her. Their souls were cold. Just like the ones she stepped away from. ‘Have everything around me became cold and distant?’ she wondered.

The days passed by and although she walked under the sun and bathed in hot shower, it still felt cold. It was like apart of her was frozen. And there she was, among the crowd and cheer, only to be an ice princess in a frozen castle.

‘Where have everyone gone to ? Were they just my imagination ? ‘ she thought to herself.

‘Hello! Hello! Can you hear me? Are you listening? ‘ she called out.

There was no answer.

‘It’s freezing here. Get me out! Hello! Get me out!’ she called out again.

Over and over again there was no answer.

Slowly, everything faded. There was nothing and no one except her in the cold and lonely castle.

Sometimes, we wished for something so much we tend to betray ourselves that what we see is what we wished for. We try to see what we are seeing as how we want to see it.

She was the same.

She always thought that her home was one with warmth and love. She wished it was filled with cheer and laughter. But it was nothing like that.

The Ice Princess then woke and realized it was all just a dream. She was lying to herself. She was pretending and trying to convince herself. But somehow, even what was in her head shattered.

It takes one knock to shatter a fragile heart made out of the ice.

My Grandfather.

Have you ever dislike someone so much you wished they could be just instantly wiped away from your life ?

Well, I’ve lived a long and pretty much innocent and bright life but I, for once, wished someone I really dislike would be wiped away from my life.

I hoped that someday, when I wake up, he would have already been gone. Non-existent.

Maybe that is cruel of me, but this horrible man is beyond disgusting. Pure Toxic.

How would you define a bad man ?

He is everything and beyond what you could think of.

That man is my horrible grandfather. I wish with every living breath I have that he would be non-existent in my life.

How could one man curse and cause hurt to three generations of people ? There must be some talent to do that. A talent that I do not have.

Talent to hurt others yet make everyone thinks it’s otherwise. Is this a game that plays with the sympathy of people’s minds for the old  ? Ah! He sure made me look at things in different angles.

A long long time ago, I would’ve thought that old people who were ignored and abandoned were pitiful and those who did it were heartless. Now, not so. I wish I could wipe away this part of my heart that feels the sympathy for the elderly. I do not want to end up helping a horrible devil only to inflict more hurt to those who were thought to be heartless.

Our neighbour, who is pretty much some kind of witch, ( I am very very sure she is) chose to help and give attention to this devil condemning my dad to be a useless and unfilial son. But what does a witch know ?

Does she know that that disgusting man is the reason all of us suffers ? The reason my grandma went through mental distress ? The reason we were all anchored here. His roots that ties you to the ground. Like a cage that locks a bird condemning it to be flightless forever. Does she knows that horrible man cons people and played with women’s feelings ? Does she knows he tramples and kills the ones who held their hands out to him ?

A gambler is a selfish man. A womaniser is a man without compassion. A cheater is a crooked man. An ignorant man is a man who will never change his ways. And my grandfather is all of it. He will be an amusing and probably a respectable character to strangers but a blunt sword that cuts your skin over and over again to the ones close to him.

A man who is arrogant brings death to those who are around him. Yet, he is as lowly as a cockroach. One who is despicable yet annoyingly clings on to dear life. Clings on to you like a pest you want to get rid off. But one you can never get rid off because the moment you reach out to kill it, it bites you.

That is My Grandfather. The Man I’ve grown to hate.