Tag Archives: emotions

T H E H O A R D E R

me

Whenever I clean my living space, I realised that I have a huge problem when it comes to discarding things. I tend to hold on to things with sentimental value. And even things that have no value and should be just trash. I always needed to keep it awhile until I decided that I can finally let it go. Recently, when life has been going downhill, I’ve been moving a lot and I realised that I’ve been keeping so many things with me. Some that I really cherished and some are just mere trash that I simply can’t bare to let go. Why do I keep trash with me? Maybe, they reminded me of something or perhaps, I just wanted to own it for a little while longer. That’s the greedy and selfish person I am. Each time I threw away something, it is like throwing away a part of me. Why do people have attachment to things? Because they were given by the people whom they once had a certain attachment with. I think its the same with people too. Even when I’ve discarded them and they would’ve even considered trash, I still feel like I’ve been holding on to them. Maybe I was hoping for something different. Maybe I was just being greedy and selfish just like a hoarder. Or maybe, I really cherished them. Whichever it was doesn’t matter anymore because its a part of the discarded.

And the question comes. Is it cruel and wrong to not cherish the people who have loved you ? Many times, I have felt guilty, wrong and deeply hurt because I have not cherished the people who have cherished me enough. People always think that only one person is hurting but in truth, it isn’t like that. At least it wasn’t like that for me. However, I’ve realised that there is nothing wrong with choosing who to love and who to discard. We were never held responsible to reciprocate a certain feeling. Even Jesus never forced anyone to love and respect Him for His great sacrifice. Yet there were so many humans who condemned another just because they didn’t love as much. I finally learnt that there is nothing wrong even when others were always thinking its your fault because you didn’t love him enough. What’s wrong was that someone who forced you to love them because they loved you. And people who stood by judging because they did had nothing better to do.

Being a hoarder, even when I didn’t love something, I wasn’t willing to throw it away. I don’t know why. Except that I am greedy and selfish. But living a nomadic life had taught me how to be minimalistic. And somehow, it applies to people too. There is so much relation to things and people isn’t there ?

01-02-2017 ( Broken Pieces )

bp

Broken pieces don’t fit together.

Because, there are tiny shards that can never be found. The thread-like flaws can’t be seen but it is there. Now and forevermore.

We are broken pieces.

We see the flaws in each other that others don’t see.

My edge just doesn’t seems to fit to yours and yours to mine.

I see the frustration, desperation and helplessness in you and you in me.

I feel annoyed and angry and sympathy. Yet, it felt like I don’t have the right to feel that way.

Because, am I the same ?

Do you feel the same way ?

Maybe because we are broken pieces.

Maybe because we don’t fit together.

Maybe because of that, we understand.

D I S S A P O I N T M E N T

D I S S A P P O I N T M E N T ! That’s the only thing that was overflowing when she returned home. She had always longed to go back home. To the warm and loving home that she remembered. But such ideals were only dreams that were shattered into pieces the moment she stepped home. It is a cold and lonely home. For once, the ice cold marble floor seems to transmit it’s chill right to her heart. The air conditioner seems to be cooler than usual although everything else around is burning. The cold water was like a wake up call. One that remind her that this is not home anymore. The people she know or once knew were like strangers to her. Their souls were cold. Just like the ones she stepped away from. ‘Have everything around me became cold and distant?’ she wondered.

The days passed by and although she walked under the sun and bathed in hot shower, it still felt cold. It was like apart of her was frozen. And there she was, among the crowd and cheer, only to be an ice princess in a frozen castle.

‘Where have everyone gone to ? Were they just my imagination ? ‘ she thought to herself.

‘Hello! Hello! Can you hear me? Are you listening? ‘ she called out.

There was no answer.

‘It’s freezing here. Get me out! Hello! Get me out!’ she called out again.

Over and over again there was no answer.

Slowly, everything faded. There was nothing and no one except her in the cold and lonely castle.

Sometimes, we wished for something so much we tend to betray ourselves that what we see is what we wished for. We try to see what we are seeing as how we want to see it.

She was the same.

She always thought that her home was one with warmth and love. She wished it was filled with cheer and laughter. But it was nothing like that.

The Ice Princess then woke and realized it was all just a dream. She was lying to herself. She was pretending and trying to convince herself. But somehow, even what was in her head shattered.

It takes one knock to shatter a fragile heart made out of the ice.

My Grandfather.

Have you ever dislike someone so much you wished they could be just instantly wiped away from your life ?

Well, I’ve lived a long and pretty much innocent and bright life but I, for once, wished someone I really dislike would be wiped away from my life.

I hoped that someday, when I wake up, he would have already been gone. Non-existent.

Maybe that is cruel of me, but this horrible man is beyond disgusting. Pure Toxic.

How would you define a bad man ?

He is everything and beyond what you could think of.

That man is my horrible grandfather. I wish with every living breath I have that he would be non-existent in my life.

How could one man curse and cause hurt to three generations of people ? There must be some talent to do that. A talent that I do not have.

Talent to hurt others yet make everyone thinks it’s otherwise. Is this a game that plays with the sympathy of people’s minds for the old  ? Ah! He sure made me look at things in different angles.

A long long time ago, I would’ve thought that old people who were ignored and abandoned were pitiful and those who did it were heartless. Now, not so. I wish I could wipe away this part of my heart that feels the sympathy for the elderly. I do not want to end up helping a horrible devil only to inflict more hurt to those who were thought to be heartless.

Our neighbour, who is pretty much some kind of witch, ( I am very very sure she is) chose to help and give attention to this devil condemning my dad to be a useless and unfilial son. But what does a witch know ?

Does she know that that disgusting man is the reason all of us suffers ? The reason my grandma went through mental distress ? The reason we were all anchored here. His roots that ties you to the ground. Like a cage that locks a bird condemning it to be flightless forever. Does she knows that horrible man cons people and played with women’s feelings ? Does she knows he tramples and kills the ones who held their hands out to him ?

A gambler is a selfish man. A womaniser is a man without compassion. A cheater is a crooked man. An ignorant man is a man who will never change his ways. And my grandfather is all of it. He will be an amusing and probably a respectable character to strangers but a blunt sword that cuts your skin over and over again to the ones close to him.

A man who is arrogant brings death to those who are around him. Yet, he is as lowly as a cockroach. One who is despicable yet annoyingly clings on to dear life. Clings on to you like a pest you want to get rid off. But one you can never get rid off because the moment you reach out to kill it, it bites you.

That is My Grandfather. The Man I’ve grown to hate.

The Runaway

up

Today, my landlady wanted to talk to me and I was really afraid because I would have no excuse to avoid the conversation.

‘She seemed angry.’ I thought.

The moment she knocked on my door, all my hairs stand and I immediately stood up and reach for the door.

Before she had a chance to say much I immediately told her I could move out if she was unhappy.

She was in shock and we both proceed into a long and deep conversation.

Although I think she didn’t really understand what I was trying to say, I understood.

I understood why I said that. I understood why she thought I was someone who reacts too fast, judge too quickly, and jumps into conclusion even quicker.

Truth is, I am just afraid. I always feel extremely nervous before anything even begins. I am afraid to pick up calls. Afraid to read and reply text messages. Afraid to talk to people and practically panic about almost every single thing. If you tell me that I am ugly, a billion things will be running in my mind over and over again.

I AM JUST AFRAID TO MESS UP! BECAUSE I RATHER DIE THAN FACE FAILURE.

Maybe, you can say that I am oversensitive but definitely not arrogant. I do not act like this out of arrogance. Well, maybe it seemed like arrogance because I always try to believe in my own judgement. It might not seem so but I try to understand and ignore everything. I want to understand yet I want not to be apart of it. Even now, I don’t really know myself.

But I am the runaway coward that’s afraid to face what’s before her. Maybe the giants are too big for me. I am scared that I’ll drown and no one will pick me up. Because, I found myself choking to death more times than I could ever count.

Even now, you could see I use ‘because’ so much just to justify myself. It is a certain habit of mine that I feel the need to justify myself each and every time. I am just so afraid. Do you know how it feels to like to live with anxiety choking you every minute ? To worry about whether you locked the door or not. Or was it the lights you left on? Did you forget an important meeting? Was it someone’s birthday awhile ago that you forgot? And all these little things that seemed insignificant to others are the things you could crucify yourself for.

I was brought up with pure joy and love but regardless, I grew up in a bitter and harsh environment. Where you are blamed and condemned for almost everything. The constant pressure someone made me into this weird being that I am.

I worry almost every single time if people actually hate me. If they saw through me and think of how I am such a horrid person. Laughed behind me at how clueless I am. That I was stupid enough to thought that they liked me but they actually think I am the weirdest person ever. All these things constantly runs through my mind. Always.

Sometimes, I wish I could just curl up and cry until someone saves me. Because I AM JUST SO SCARED.

ok

A RUNAWAY COWARD I AM.

 

Detestable . Weird . Disgusting.

img_5633

Yesterday night, a cockroach flew into my room. As if it wasn’t a horrible day enough for me, it never went away and I, ended up migrating out of my room! I didn’t surrender immediately but it was a battle I couldn’t have won because it was a flying cockroach !!! ( FLYING ! ) So, I ran away.

It made me wonder though, did it came here to remind me that I’m as detestable and disgusting as it is ? Something everyone despises. Meant to trample upon and live in the dark. Yet, is enduring and annoyingly persistent holding on to dear life.

What made me become like this? Or was I always like this that I never realised ?
Sometimes, or most of the time, I really wonder, if I’m like a cockroach to everyone else.

Something so persistent and annoying. Disgusting and hateful. Although you hate it, it’s always there and you wish you could’ve gotten rid of it but at the same time, pity it for it’s miserable and insignificant little life. Am I like a cockroach ?

It’s true that everyone says that we can never please everyone in our life. We can never be loved and love everyone. But at this point, I even find myself detestable.

I hate myself for not being good enough.
I hate myself for the times I took a break. For the times I ate chocolates instead of fruits.
For the times I’m not working or studying but watching a movie.
For the times I’m spending money and not earning it.

What am I chasing after exactly ? What am I reaching for that I forgot how to enjoy a little joke and dance a little along the way. What goal was it that I’ve set for myself that I tear myself apart each time I’m not walking forward. What am I reaching out to? Is it the castle in the sky? I have long forgotten. Forgotten where and what am I heading to.

Maybe, I’m just clinging on for survival. Counting the stars like I count the people I owe along the way. Do they hate me for my incompetence ?

Maybe , I’m really reaching for that castle in the sky. Will I ever reach it? Will I ever be safe ? Will I reach my refuge ? Or maybe, the route is too tough that I should just shelter somewhere else ?

I’m tired of struggling through every second. Although I take a step forward each time. I feel like I am getting further and further from that castle. That castle in the sky.

Ah! I’m running away. But why am I running away from that castle ? Perhaps, I’m afraid of what lies before me. Perhaps I am afraid of the knives and bullets that I’ll face. Perhaps more than that. Perhaps, I am just afraid of everything.

How long have I been running away? How long have I thought I was walking towards the castle but I’m actually running away? Far Far Away.

Where am I now? I can’t see the castle anymore. I am afraid of falling again. Afraid of starting over again. Because I think, if I fall again, I’m really going to die. Is death an escape plan? Is death running away as well? But running away forever ?

img_5632

A lowly creature lurking in the dark.

Am I detestable ?

Strong World ( Part 2 )

2

When everything seems too good to be true, the next thing she knew was that it’s all over. Time truly waits for no man. You never know when you’ll have everything you want or lose everything in a single blinking moment. She has everything she needs because of her Provider but there are many things that she longed for as a human. All humans feel the hurt of lost whether it is to a person or a valued thing. What more, a sensitive and emotional girl like her.

a

Everything that was familiar to her suddenly became foreign. Like she was all alone again. Her friend won’t talk to her. Her room mate despise her and accused her. Her relatives were all looking at her with those eyes that makes you feel like you’re condemned. There was also work and school to be stressed about. Financial issues that had to be solved. Family matters to tend to. Her father and sister had fallen into depression and here she was desperately trying to hold on to dear life and reaching out to them at the same time. Why wasn’t there someone who reached out at this very moment of her desperation. There wasn’t even time to cry or drown in sadness and solitude for awhile till she could hear herself again. Instead, she just laughed it all away. It was going to be okay. Right?

b

The constant need to be okay slowly wore her out. She’s tired. She’s exhausted. She’s empty and broken.

Why am I smiling ? Why am I crying ? Why am I sad ? Why am I just staring blankly ? What am I doing ? Who am I exactly ? were the questions she constantly asked herself. Over and over again. ‘Stop thinking too much! I am sure you’re just being emotional today!’ she laughs.

make-out

But not today. It’s over now. She’s picking herself up again because she’s a warrior. She’s standing up again because she’s a strong woman. She’ll fight again. She’ll be strong again. Over and over again.

She knows its okay to be broken. It’s okay to be depressed. It’s okay to be sensitive and emotional. It’s okay to be herself even though she is unsure of who she is.

A fragile heart in a cruel world.

When is it, will the world be much kinder to me- I wonder.

-Strong World – Seul