01-01-2017

“The Almighty only gives us burdens and hardships that He knows we can endure.”

“Then, I think, He thought too highly of me…”

Why do we have to have burdens and hardships in the first place ?

Why can’t He just glaze His hands over and take all the bad things away ?

Ah! He doesn’t even owe me any miracles. It’s not His job to make sure my life is all beautiful and well is it ?

After all, He is the Almighty so I am sure He is quite busy most of the time.

Aish! Did he really abandoned me? Or did He really thought too highly of me?


Truth is, I have always felt His presence around. I know that He’s always watching and always there.Maybe, I’ve just grown greedy ?

What is it that allows me to keep on walking away when I know that everything that is pulling me back is compelling.

Why do I keep carrying this burden and refused to let go even when I know it is wearing me out?


Everything has always been like that since the beginning of times. I have never reached the part of harvest in my life. There is no progress.

But why is it I could still smile then ? Why was I still lighthearted then and not now?

When is it I forget to laugh and smile at the simplest things ?

Ah~! What made me forget who I am…

Who am I anyways ?

 

 

A New Journey Begins ~ 2K17!

Happy New Year ! ~

2016 had been a rather happening year for me. Although most years seems to fly by without much to remember, 2016 was definitely different. A year filled with lots of challenges and hardships that brought growth. As much as there were many hardships and misery, there were also happy and exciting times that I’ll remember.

There’s a saying that say you can only understand happiness if you understand what it’s like to be sad and vice versa. If there was something that I’ve learnt in 2016, it’s definitely appreciation. I hope to continue learning and achieving greater heights in 2017 !

Here’s a mini flashback of what happened in 2016 ~

  1. My Mom passed away. I remember visiting the hospital everyday and eating hospital food. Somehow, it was a time when all of our family members gathered together. Although it was a depressing time, there were many good memories. Thanks for all the support from my family and friends.
  2. I quit law school. It was a decision made without much consideration. At that time, I think I didn’t really have the energy to think much about my education. Business was running and YOU HAVE TO SMILE BIG AND WIDE when you do business so my face was constantly fighting with my heart. It was a decision I still regret sometimes when I look back. I missed the place. It was a warm place filled with love and support. Always in my heart.
  3. I came to Singapore to pursue Fashion. To be honest, it wasn’t totally my decision although I loved art since I was young. I had the kind of mentality that pursuing art was crazy and stupid so I was really hesitant about it. Even so, friends and family were really supportive about it and even my dad said I could. At that point, I only chose this path because I thought my family would move over to Singapore and we all would be united again. Many things happened then and sometimes I regret here and there but ultimately, I think it was really an enjoyable journey so far. Thank you CK for this!~
  4. 天下无不散之筵席. All good things must come to an end. As the proverb explains, even if a feast were to last for a thousand years, it will come to an end someday. And although everything was as pleasant as possible, it eventually came to an end. It was the hardest phase of my life being alone and helpless. I think its horrible when the people who told you they would be there for you turned their backs on you and that was what happened. I am going to leave this behind so I will no longer think or talk about it. All in all, it was a bittersweet memory worth remembering. I made good friends here that I hope will stay for a long time. At this period of time, when my family turned their backs on me, there were many wonderful people who open their doors to me. My friends were always listening to my rants. My colleagues were warm and caring. I went to my first nightlife adventure ever and had lots of fun time. Thank you for everything ~
  5. I took the courage to move out. I finally decided to be independent and moved out with the help of a church friend. The reason I moved out was because it became really suffocating and lonely. No one talked or bothered about me and I felt like it was even worse that being invisible because then they would just talk behind me and most of the time, I could hear mostly everything. It was really far from work and school as well. And I am a really messy and forgetful person so its probably best for me to not live with people.
  6. I quit my job. There isn’t much to say about this but I really did like my job despite some incidents and all. It was rather memorable just that its really time consuming and inconvenient.
  7. I started business.
  8. I started drawing and investing time in my interest
  9. I learnt a lot of new things which probably isn’t really necessary to list everything down but basically, I learnt about myself. 2016 was a journey of battling with myself. It was tough but in the end, I finally accepted the path that I’ve chosen and decided to work towards it. No more regrets! No more Ifs or Buts.

As I’ve accepted this path that I’ve chosen, I hope to walk into 2017 with positivity and courage. Let it be another eventful year.

My resolution for 2017 would be to live life without limitations and hesitations. To learn and do many new things and be more kind and brave.

Surprisingly, I am really excited and hopeful for 2017!~ ❤

Happy New Year Everyone!~ Be Blessed ~

D I S S A P O I N T M E N T

D I S S A P P O I N T M E N T ! That’s the only thing that was overflowing when she returned home. She had always longed to go back home. To the warm and loving home that she remembered. But such ideals were only dreams that were shattered into pieces the moment she stepped home. It is a cold and lonely home. For once, the ice cold marble floor seems to transmit it’s chill right to her heart. The air conditioner seems to be cooler than usual although everything else around is burning. The cold water was like a wake up call. One that remind her that this is not home anymore. The people she know or once knew were like strangers to her. Their souls were cold. Just like the ones she stepped away from. ‘Have everything around me became cold and distant?’ she wondered.

The days passed by and although she walked under the sun and bathed in hot shower, it still felt cold. It was like apart of her was frozen. And there she was, among the crowd and cheer, only to be an ice princess in a frozen castle.

‘Where have everyone gone to ? Were they just my imagination ? ‘ she thought to herself.

‘Hello! Hello! Can you hear me? Are you listening? ‘ she called out.

There was no answer.

‘It’s freezing here. Get me out! Hello! Get me out!’ she called out again.

Over and over again there was no answer.

Slowly, everything faded. There was nothing and no one except her in the cold and lonely castle.

Sometimes, we wished for something so much we tend to betray ourselves that what we see is what we wished for. We try to see what we are seeing as how we want to see it.

She was the same.

She always thought that her home was one with warmth and love. She wished it was filled with cheer and laughter. But it was nothing like that.

The Ice Princess then woke and realized it was all just a dream. She was lying to herself. She was pretending and trying to convince herself. But somehow, even what was in her head shattered.

It takes one knock to shatter a fragile heart made out of the ice.

My Grandfather.

Have you ever dislike someone so much you wished they could be just instantly wiped away from your life ?

Well, I’ve lived a long and pretty much innocent and bright life but I, for once, wished someone I really dislike would be wiped away from my life.

I hoped that someday, when I wake up, he would have already been gone. Non-existent.

Maybe that is cruel of me, but this horrible man is beyond disgusting. Pure Toxic.

How would you define a bad man ?

He is everything and beyond what you could think of.

That man is my horrible grandfather. I wish with every living breath I have that he would be non-existent in my life.

How could one man curse and cause hurt to three generations of people ? There must be some talent to do that. A talent that I do not have.

Talent to hurt others yet make everyone thinks it’s otherwise. Is this a game that plays with the sympathy of people’s minds for the old  ? Ah! He sure made me look at things in different angles.

A long long time ago, I would’ve thought that old people who were ignored and abandoned were pitiful and those who did it were heartless. Now, not so. I wish I could wipe away this part of my heart that feels the sympathy for the elderly. I do not want to end up helping a horrible devil only to inflict more hurt to those who were thought to be heartless.

Our neighbour, who is pretty much some kind of witch, ( I am very very sure she is) chose to help and give attention to this devil condemning my dad to be a useless and unfilial son. But what does a witch know ?

Does she know that that disgusting man is the reason all of us suffers ? The reason my grandma went through mental distress ? The reason we were all anchored here. His roots that ties you to the ground. Like a cage that locks a bird condemning it to be flightless forever. Does she knows that horrible man cons people and played with women’s feelings ? Does she knows he tramples and kills the ones who held their hands out to him ?

A gambler is a selfish man. A womaniser is a man without compassion. A cheater is a crooked man. An ignorant man is a man who will never change his ways. And my grandfather is all of it. He will be an amusing and probably a respectable character to strangers but a blunt sword that cuts your skin over and over again to the ones close to him.

A man who is arrogant brings death to those who are around him. Yet, he is as lowly as a cockroach. One who is despicable yet annoyingly clings on to dear life. Clings on to you like a pest you want to get rid off. But one you can never get rid off because the moment you reach out to kill it, it bites you.

That is My Grandfather. The Man I’ve grown to hate.

The Runaway

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Today, my landlady wanted to talk to me and I was really afraid because I would have no excuse to avoid the conversation.

‘She seemed angry.’ I thought.

The moment she knocked on my door, all my hairs stand and I immediately stood up and reach for the door.

Before she had a chance to say much I immediately told her I could move out if she was unhappy.

She was in shock and we both proceed into a long and deep conversation.

Although I think she didn’t really understand what I was trying to say, I understood.

I understood why I said that. I understood why she thought I was someone who reacts too fast, judge too quickly, and jumps into conclusion even quicker.

Truth is, I am just afraid. I always feel extremely nervous before anything even begins. I am afraid to pick up calls. Afraid to read and reply text messages. Afraid to talk to people and practically panic about almost every single thing. If you tell me that I am ugly, a billion things will be running in my mind over and over again.

I AM JUST AFRAID TO MESS UP! BECAUSE I RATHER DIE THAN FACE FAILURE.

Maybe, you can say that I am oversensitive but definitely not arrogant. I do not act like this out of arrogance. Well, maybe it seemed like arrogance because I always try to believe in my own judgement. It might not seem so but I try to understand and ignore everything. I want to understand yet I want not to be apart of it. Even now, I don’t really know myself.

But I am the runaway coward that’s afraid to face what’s before her. Maybe the giants are too big for me. I am scared that I’ll drown and no one will pick me up. Because, I found myself choking to death more times than I could ever count.

Even now, you could see I use ‘because’ so much just to justify myself. It is a certain habit of mine that I feel the need to justify myself each and every time. I am just so afraid. Do you know how it feels to like to live with anxiety choking you every minute ? To worry about whether you locked the door or not. Or was it the lights you left on? Did you forget an important meeting? Was it someone’s birthday awhile ago that you forgot? And all these little things that seemed insignificant to others are the things you could crucify yourself for.

I was brought up with pure joy and love but regardless, I grew up in a bitter and harsh environment. Where you are blamed and condemned for almost everything. The constant pressure someone made me into this weird being that I am.

I worry almost every single time if people actually hate me. If they saw through me and think of how I am such a horrid person. Laughed behind me at how clueless I am. That I was stupid enough to thought that they liked me but they actually think I am the weirdest person ever. All these things constantly runs through my mind. Always.

Sometimes, I wish I could just curl up and cry until someone saves me. Because I AM JUST SO SCARED.

ok

A RUNAWAY COWARD I AM.

 

Detestable . Weird . Disgusting.

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Yesterday night, a cockroach flew into my room. As if it wasn’t a horrible day enough for me, it never went away and I, ended up migrating out of my room! I didn’t surrender immediately but it was a battle I couldn’t have won because it was a flying cockroach !!! ( FLYING ! ) So, I ran away.

It made me wonder though, did it came here to remind me that I’m as detestable and disgusting as it is ? Something everyone despises. Meant to trample upon and live in the dark. Yet, is enduring and annoyingly persistent holding on to dear life.

What made me become like this? Or was I always like this that I never realised ?
Sometimes, or most of the time, I really wonder, if I’m like a cockroach to everyone else.

Something so persistent and annoying. Disgusting and hateful. Although you hate it, it’s always there and you wish you could’ve gotten rid of it but at the same time, pity it for it’s miserable and insignificant little life. Am I like a cockroach ?

It’s true that everyone says that we can never please everyone in our life. We can never be loved and love everyone. But at this point, I even find myself detestable.

I hate myself for not being good enough.
I hate myself for the times I took a break. For the times I ate chocolates instead of fruits.
For the times I’m not working or studying but watching a movie.
For the times I’m spending money and not earning it.

What am I chasing after exactly ? What am I reaching for that I forgot how to enjoy a little joke and dance a little along the way. What goal was it that I’ve set for myself that I tear myself apart each time I’m not walking forward. What am I reaching out to? Is it the castle in the sky? I have long forgotten. Forgotten where and what am I heading to.

Maybe, I’m just clinging on for survival. Counting the stars like I count the people I owe along the way. Do they hate me for my incompetence ?

Maybe , I’m really reaching for that castle in the sky. Will I ever reach it? Will I ever be safe ? Will I reach my refuge ? Or maybe, the route is too tough that I should just shelter somewhere else ?

I’m tired of struggling through every second. Although I take a step forward each time. I feel like I am getting further and further from that castle. That castle in the sky.

Ah! I’m running away. But why am I running away from that castle ? Perhaps, I’m afraid of what lies before me. Perhaps I am afraid of the knives and bullets that I’ll face. Perhaps more than that. Perhaps, I am just afraid of everything.

How long have I been running away? How long have I thought I was walking towards the castle but I’m actually running away? Far Far Away.

Where am I now? I can’t see the castle anymore. I am afraid of falling again. Afraid of starting over again. Because I think, if I fall again, I’m really going to die. Is death an escape plan? Is death running away as well? But running away forever ?

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A lowly creature lurking in the dark.

Am I detestable ?

Strong World ( Part 2 )

2

When everything seems too good to be true, the next thing she knew was that it’s all over. Time truly waits for no man. You never know when you’ll have everything you want or lose everything in a single blinking moment. She has everything she needs because of her Provider but there are many things that she longed for as a human. All humans feel the hurt of lost whether it is to a person or a valued thing. What more, a sensitive and emotional girl like her.

a

Everything that was familiar to her suddenly became foreign. Like she was all alone again. Her friend won’t talk to her. Her room mate despise her and accused her. Her relatives were all looking at her with those eyes that makes you feel like you’re condemned. There was also work and school to be stressed about. Financial issues that had to be solved. Family matters to tend to. Her father and sister had fallen into depression and here she was desperately trying to hold on to dear life and reaching out to them at the same time. Why wasn’t there someone who reached out at this very moment of her desperation. There wasn’t even time to cry or drown in sadness and solitude for awhile till she could hear herself again. Instead, she just laughed it all away. It was going to be okay. Right?

b

The constant need to be okay slowly wore her out. She’s tired. She’s exhausted. She’s empty and broken.

Why am I smiling ? Why am I crying ? Why am I sad ? Why am I just staring blankly ? What am I doing ? Who am I exactly ? were the questions she constantly asked herself. Over and over again. ‘Stop thinking too much! I am sure you’re just being emotional today!’ she laughs.

make-out

But not today. It’s over now. She’s picking herself up again because she’s a warrior. She’s standing up again because she’s a strong woman. She’ll fight again. She’ll be strong again. Over and over again.

She knows its okay to be broken. It’s okay to be depressed. It’s okay to be sensitive and emotional. It’s okay to be herself even though she is unsure of who she is.

A fragile heart in a cruel world.

When is it, will the world be much kinder to me- I wonder.

-Strong World – Seul