Detestable . Weird . Disgusting.

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Yesterday night, a cockroach flew into my room. As if it wasn’t a horrible day enough for me, it never went away and I, ended up migrating out of my room! I didn’t surrender immediately but it was a battle I couldn’t have won because it was a flying cockroach !!! ( FLYING ! ) So, I ran away.

It made me wonder though, did it came here to remind me that I’m as detestable and disgusting as it is ? Something everyone despises. Meant to trample upon and live in the dark. Yet, is enduring and annoyingly persistent holding on to dear life.

What made me become like this? Or was I always like this that I never realised ?
Sometimes, or most of the time, I really wonder, if I’m like a cockroach to everyone else.

Something so persistent and annoying. Disgusting and hateful. Although you hate it, it’s always there and you wish you could’ve gotten rid of it but at the same time, pity it for it’s miserable and insignificant little life. Am I like a cockroach ?

It’s true that everyone says that we can never please everyone in our life. We can never be loved and love everyone. But at this point, I even find myself detestable.

I hate myself for not being good enough.
I hate myself for the times I took a break. For the times I ate chocolates instead of fruits.
For the times I’m not working or studying but watching a movie.
For the times I’m spending money and not earning it.

What am I chasing after exactly ? What am I reaching for that I forgot how to enjoy a little joke and dance a little along the way. What goal was it that I’ve set for myself that I tear myself apart each time I’m not walking forward. What am I reaching out to? Is it the castle in the sky? I have long forgotten. Forgotten where and what am I heading to.

Maybe, I’m just clinging on for survival. Counting the stars like I count the people I owe along the way. Do they hate me for my incompetence ?

Maybe , I’m really reaching for that castle in the sky. Will I ever reach it? Will I ever be safe ? Will I reach my refuge ? Or maybe, the route is too tough that I should just shelter somewhere else ?

I’m tired of struggling through every second. Although I take a step forward each time. I feel like I am getting further and further from that castle. That castle in the sky.

Ah! I’m running away. But why am I running away from that castle ? Perhaps, I’m afraid of what lies before me. Perhaps I am afraid of the knives and bullets that I’ll face. Perhaps more than that. Perhaps, I am just afraid of everything.

How long have I been running away? How long have I thought I was walking towards the castle but I’m actually running away? Far Far Away.

Where am I now? I can’t see the castle anymore. I am afraid of falling again. Afraid of starting over again. Because I think, if I fall again, I’m really going to die. Is death an escape plan? Is death running away as well? But running away forever ?

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A lowly creature lurking in the dark.

Am I detestable ?

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2 thoughts on “Detestable . Weird . Disgusting.

  1. Cheer up! It’s good to express yourself like that, bottling things up would be bad.

    I don’t think any of your friends or family will feel that you’re incompetent or rather that you’re a burden to them! Take a break once in awhile, not a 10-15 mins break but a good break that lets you think and set you back on your track. I too, had forgotten why I was working so hard for, then I found a new purpose. Also, mix yourself with friends, good friends that will make you feel like you can just be you and not anything others want you to be. That way you will feel better, feel like you’re not that useless after all. It’s ok to owe others a favour or two just be humble and grateful towards them, I’m pretty sure not everyone wants something in return. Cling on faith, keep on fighting! Don’t stop now, only you can help yourself. I will be supporting you (:

    Like

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