The happy spring
Left the sad and lonely flowers
With the welcoming autumn
Waiting to devour it all
That is all that remains.
The happy spring
Left the sad and lonely flowers
With the welcoming autumn
Waiting to devour it all
That is all that remains.
Today morning, I woke up early and stumbled upon the name, Judah Smith.
Recently, I’ve decided to seek God again. To let Him be a part of my life. The truth is, Jesus has always been a part of my life but sometimes, I push him away because of my own humanity. Because I was ashamed and condemned of my own wrongdoings and sin. I felt that I am unworthy. I am unworthy of his love. Unworthy to be called a Christian. I keep walking away. Further and further I go. Maybe, I was lazy as well. My heart didn’t felt like going to Him. Maybe it was because of trust issues. I thought, God wouldn’t help me anymore because I didn’t obey Him. God doesn’t love me anymore because I sinned.
I was drowning. Drowning in my own insecurities and insufficiency. Drowning in all of my humanity and all my self righteousness. Drowning in my own judgement of myself. You see, I am a person who likes to beat myself up emotionally. I constantly blame myself for everything. I tell myself I am not good enough. That I am a horrible person. That I am wrong. That I wasn’t kind. That I hurt people and so I am no longer loved. Each and every single day, I lived my life in constant fear. I fear that when people get too close to me, they would see my darkness and weakness and all my flaws. I fear that when they see me crumbling down, they would condemn me. They would say that I am not Christian enough. I keep living relying on myself. Relying on my own strength and ignoring God despite Him who was always walking by my side.
But do you know what ? As I was rejecting Him. As I was walking on my own path. Suffering and hurting because of my own pride and so called ‘wisdom and law’. HE WAS WITH ME. HE WAS WITH ME IN ALL MY DARKEST MOMENTS. He hears me screaming and crying all alone at night. He saw my struggles and hurt. He sat through me as I condemned myself. And He reached out to me when I was breaking and falling apart.
He keeps on telling me that I am loved. That I am not alone. That He is for me and not against me.
The truth is, God doesn’t NEED us but rather, He WANTS us because he LOVE us. It is because of His great love, mercy and grace that we live. It is not by my actions that people would come to know Him but by His name. It is not because of my insufficiency that makes me unworthy of Him because we are NOT MEASURED BY WORTH but we are all worthy because of His LOVE.
I’ve enough of sitting in the dark and being scared of myself. I want to hold the hand that He has reached out to me. Because he Loved Me First. I want to learn to seek Him in all of my weakness and flaws. I want to learn to worship Him even when I am sinful and wrong. I want to live in His love and grace with a simple heart.
The Pursuit of Happiness_Day 1
Whenever I clean my living space, I realised that I have a huge problem when it comes to discarding things. I tend to hold on to things with sentimental value. And even things that have no value and should be just trash. I always needed to keep it awhile until I decided that I can finally let it go. Recently, when life has been going downhill, I’ve been moving a lot and I realised that I’ve been keeping so many things with me. Some that I really cherished and some are just mere trash that I simply can’t bare to let go. Why do I keep trash with me? Maybe, they reminded me of something or perhaps, I just wanted to own it for a little while longer. That’s the greedy and selfish person I am. Each time I threw away something, it is like throwing away a part of me. Why do people have attachment to things? Because they were given by the people whom they once had a certain attachment with. I think its the same with people too. Even when I’ve discarded them and they would’ve even considered trash, I still feel like I’ve been holding on to them. Maybe I was hoping for something different. Maybe I was just being greedy and selfish just like a hoarder. Or maybe, I really cherished them. Whichever it was doesn’t matter anymore because its a part of the discarded.
And the question comes. Is it cruel and wrong to not cherish the people who have loved you ? Many times, I have felt guilty, wrong and deeply hurt because I have not cherished the people who have cherished me enough. People always think that only one person is hurting but in truth, it isn’t like that. At least it wasn’t like that for me. However, I’ve realised that there is nothing wrong with choosing who to love and who to discard. We were never held responsible to reciprocate a certain feeling. Even Jesus never forced anyone to love and respect Him for His great sacrifice. Yet there were so many humans who condemned another just because they didn’t love as much. I finally learnt that there is nothing wrong even when others were always thinking its your fault because you didn’t love him enough. What’s wrong was that someone who forced you to love them because they loved you. And people who stood by judging because they did had nothing better to do.
Being a hoarder, even when I didn’t love something, I wasn’t willing to throw it away. I don’t know why. Except that I am greedy and selfish. But living a nomadic life had taught me how to be minimalistic. And somehow, it applies to people too. There is so much relation to things and people isn’t there ?
Broken pieces don’t fit together.
Because, there are tiny shards that can never be found. The thread-like flaws can’t be seen but it is there. Now and forevermore.
We are broken pieces.
We see the flaws in each other that others don’t see.
My edge just doesn’t seems to fit to yours and yours to mine.
I see the frustration, desperation and helplessness in you and you in me.
I feel annoyed and angry and sympathy. Yet, it felt like I don’t have the right to feel that way.
Because, am I the same ?
Do you feel the same way ?
Maybe because we are broken pieces.
Maybe because we don’t fit together.
Maybe because of that, we understand.
A month ago, it was the beginning of 2017!
A year I looked forward to with great expectation and anticipation.
In this short month, so many things happened so swiftly I could barely remember anything.
Somehow, the feeling or rush and excitement although wearing thin, still stays.
Despite that, the exhaustion is also slowly creeping in to a dangerously strangling stage.
There are so many things I wish to accomplish but somehow, nothing seems accomplished.
Throughout this 30 days, there are some that felt like seconds and some that felt like years.
Looking back now, it all seems like yesterday.
It felt like only yesterday I celebrated my birthday.
It felt like only yesterday I was rushing for submissions. Spending sleepless nights doing my assignments.
It felt like only yesterday I celebrated my friend’s birthday.
It felt like only yesterday I celebrated Chinese New Year.
It felt like only yesterday. Everything felt like it all just happened yesterday.
Although January came and go like the wind that pass us by, it was a month with lots of experiences and growth.
Wherever this path leads to, I’ll be right where I belong. I know I can be strong.
I like to believe that,
Death is a door to greater life.
It is only natural for people to live and die.
When you’re young and filled with energy, everything is exciting.
You try to find excitement and try many new things.
You are young and vibrant. You smile your widest.
You got older and you grow quiet.
You learnt that excitement isn’t everything
and you start to look at things in a deeper perspective.
You learn to appreciate the depth of things.
The quiet peace that surrounds you made you smile with satisfaction
As you learnt to appreciate life,
A new phase of life comes.
It is cold and bleak.
But you find joy sitting down with a cup of hot tea
Just looking out to nothingness.
The memories of life flows through you
And you welcome death with a smile of satisfaction.
As you open the doors of death,
You enter a place brimming with greater life.
And the little mermaid disappeared, like sea foam.
It seemed like a sad story because there was no happily after for the Little Mermaid and her Prince.
In his life, he will never remember her. He will never know her and He will never think of her.
Even if he is to see her again, she would be nothing but a stranger to him.
If they were to cross paths again, only the Little Mermaid would look from afar and smile, as she remembers him but the prince will just pass her by without a second glance.
Still, the Little Mermaid did not regret loving the Prince.
Even if he would never love or remember her, she was happy she loved him.
Even if I was oblivious all this while, Thank You for Loving Me.
“The Almighty only gives us burdens and hardships that He knows we can endure.”
“Then, I think, He thought too highly of me…”
Why do we have to have burdens and hardships in the first place ?
Why can’t He just glaze His hands over and take all the bad things away ?
Ah! He doesn’t even owe me any miracles. It’s not His job to make sure my life is all beautiful and well is it ?
After all, He is the Almighty so I am sure He is quite busy most of the time.
Aish! Did he really abandoned me? Or did He really thought too highly of me?
Truth is, I have always felt His presence around. I know that He’s always watching and always there.Maybe, I’ve just grown greedy ?
What is it that allows me to keep on walking away when I know that everything that is pulling me back is compelling.
Why do I keep carrying this burden and refused to let go even when I know it is wearing me out?
Everything has always been like that since the beginning of times. I have never reached the part of harvest in my life. There is no progress.
But why is it I could still smile then ? Why was I still lighthearted then and not now?
When is it I forget to laugh and smile at the simplest things ?
Ah~! What made me forget who I am…
Who am I anyways ?
Happy New Year ! ~
2016 had been a rather happening year for me. Although most years seems to fly by without much to remember, 2016 was definitely different. A year filled with lots of challenges and hardships that brought growth. As much as there were many hardships and misery, there were also happy and exciting times that I’ll remember.
There’s a saying that say you can only understand happiness if you understand what it’s like to be sad and vice versa. If there was something that I’ve learnt in 2016, it’s definitely appreciation. I hope to continue learning and achieving greater heights in 2017 !
Here’s a mini flashback of what happened in 2016 ~
As I’ve accepted this path that I’ve chosen, I hope to walk into 2017 with positivity and courage. Let it be another eventful year.
My resolution for 2017 would be to live life without limitations and hesitations. To learn and do many new things and be more kind and brave.
Surprisingly, I am really excited and hopeful for 2017!~ ❤
Happy New Year Everyone!~ Be Blessed ~
D I S S A P P O I N T M E N T ! That’s the only thing that was overflowing when she returned home. She had always longed to go back home. To the warm and loving home that she remembered. But such ideals were only dreams that were shattered into pieces the moment she stepped home. It is a cold and lonely home. For once, the ice cold marble floor seems to transmit it’s chill right to her heart. The air conditioner seems to be cooler than usual although everything else around is burning. The cold water was like a wake up call. One that remind her that this is not home anymore. The people she know or once knew were like strangers to her. Their souls were cold. Just like the ones she stepped away from. ‘Have everything around me became cold and distant?’ she wondered.
The days passed by and although she walked under the sun and bathed in hot shower, it still felt cold. It was like apart of her was frozen. And there she was, among the crowd and cheer, only to be an ice princess in a frozen castle.
‘Where have everyone gone to ? Were they just my imagination ? ‘ she thought to herself.
‘Hello! Hello! Can you hear me? Are you listening? ‘ she called out.
There was no answer.
‘It’s freezing here. Get me out! Hello! Get me out!’ she called out again.
Over and over again there was no answer.
Slowly, everything faded. There was nothing and no one except her in the cold and lonely castle.
Sometimes, we wished for something so much we tend to betray ourselves that what we see is what we wished for. We try to see what we are seeing as how we want to see it.
She was the same.
She always thought that her home was one with warmth and love. She wished it was filled with cheer and laughter. But it was nothing like that.
The Ice Princess then woke and realized it was all just a dream. She was lying to herself. She was pretending and trying to convince herself. But somehow, even what was in her head shattered.
It takes one knock to shatter a fragile heart made out of the ice.