A Simple Heart

Annyeong ! ~ It’s been so long since I wrote anything despite the fact that so many things have been happening. Somehow, I didn’t really have anything to write or any thoughts to share. But it occured to me today that simplicity is an expensive gift. Have you ever came across a minimalist shop and walked in thinking you could buy something out of it because it looks so simple and therefore, it must be cheap but uh-uh! To your surprise, its way more expensive than something with more complications to it. Then you walked out and thought you could make it yourself anyways but then, when you tried, you realised it didn’t look the same. Because, it wasn’t the same.

A simple and pure thing is much more rare and precious. Just like a simple and pure heart. One that goes through all kinds of pollutions and obstruction but learns how to simplify and purify itself over and over again. To be simple is not to be lacking but rather, to have more than enough.

It only takes a smile to make a simple person content. It only took that little to make me feel like I was the happiest person in the world.

I am 20 now. And I realised my relentless pursuit for perfection and success were nothing but vanity.

Often I questioned myself, what am I doing ? Why am I doing this ? Do I truly find meaning in this ? What is it then that I find meaning in ? Why do I smile when I am not happy ? Why do I laugh and not feel joy ? Why am I always so sad ? Maybe I did felt happy when I was laughing or smiling. Maybe for that few seconds I felt like my world went blank. It was a minute of pleasure that was rather inexpensive.

Is it success or wealth or fame that would’ve made me happy ? Somehow I am uncertain what I really want because I am uncertain even of who I am. Am I the little girl who still smiles happily when she eats an ice cream or am I the woman chasing after wealth and perfection ? Am I the one who would laughed and thought it was funny when I stained my shirt or the one that flares up at someone for leaving a mark on my expensive dress? Am I still the one that would feel happy for someone’s success or the jealous one that tries to step on everyone ?

They say, you need to be cunning to be successful and rich. Somehow, I agree. It is such a competitive and manipulative world that its so hard to find a shred of positivity sometimes. But at one of my most lonely and sad times, someone lend me an umbrella. It somehow felt like a little bit of warmth came through this dark and cold castle.

I was a simple hearted person who would laughed and smiled a whole lot but somehow everything changed. I needed to fight and protect myself. I needed to survive. I wouldn’t say there was anything good of me but if there was one thing, it was my reluctance to die. I wouldn’t want to die off just like that and hence, my survival instinct and resilience were somehow really strong. I mean, I would grumble and feel all depressed and stuff but I did get up over and over again to fight on.

For a long time, I felt like I have been fighting this never-ending battle. It somehow felt like it stopped for a little while because someone was fighting alongside me and it didn’t felt that hard. It was a short moment of bliss. I learnt how to love again. To be a little bit more generous and a little kinder. But then, it didn’t last very long. Sometimes, beautiful things don’t just come to us right ? At least, it doesn’t come so simply to me. I started to feel scared and nervous all over again. And I became a whole new person I never knew. I became a horrible monster. Although life was really hard then, I was still able to smile and be kind but now, it seems like its so difficult. It seems like I am just fiercely fighting through. Fiercely protecting myself and cutting off everything that didn’t have any significant importance. I did just harden my heart and told myself that it was okay to be cruel because I did be trampled upon if I wasn’t.

I did give in to doing so many horrible things that weren’t right and things that I should never have done. Slowly, I have gave in to all the pollutions in the pursuit of perfection and wealth. Before I knew it, I didn’t recognise myself anymore.

What is meaningful to you ? Is it the successful people who devote their entire lifetime perfecting something and proving the greatness of humans ? OR is it the simple life of one that bears hardships and happiness with love and kindness ? Somehow, even if you’re not pursuing something, life may still be a horrid and dark but the perspective of it would’ve changed a lot of things.

I never really wanted to be extremely successful or wealthy. But it felt like it was wrong if I didn’t want it. It felt as if I was a disappointment if I never made it to the top. When I was younger, I did cried if I didn’t get first place in something. Then, my parents would hug me and told me it was okay and that I could try harder next time. Now, life is so hard. Its so hard that I wish someone could just hug me and told me it was okay. Most of all, I wished I could just hug myself and tell myself that it is all perfectly okay. It’s okay not to be the best. It’s okay if things weren’t perfect. Its okay if you screwed up or make a mistake. Even so, you’re still loved. Deeply loved. And that you can just smile and laugh at anything at all. There is nothing wrong in being happy. It’s okay to be happy even when things isn’t going all too well. Its okay to be me. Its okay to live a simple life. It’s okay to not want to keep pursuing further. It’s okay to just stop.

I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to keep feeling sad and crying over and over again.

I just want to go home. Please.

 

 

 

The Simple Great Love

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Today morning, I woke up early and stumbled upon the name, Judah Smith.

Recently, I’ve decided to seek God again. To let Him be a part of my life. The truth is, Jesus has always been a part of my life but sometimes, I push him away because of my own humanity. Because I was ashamed and condemned of my own wrongdoings and sin. I felt that I am unworthy. I am unworthy of his love. Unworthy to be called a Christian. I keep walking away. Further and further I go. Maybe, I was lazy as well. My heart didn’t felt like going to Him. Maybe it was because of trust issues. I thought, God wouldn’t help me anymore because I didn’t obey Him. God doesn’t love me anymore because I sinned.

I was drowning. Drowning in my own insecurities and insufficiency. Drowning in all of my humanity and all my self righteousness. Drowning in my own judgement of myself. You see, I am a person who likes to beat myself up emotionally. I constantly blame myself for everything. I tell myself I am not good enough. That I am a horrible person. That I am wrong. That I wasn’t kind. That I hurt people and so I am  no longer loved. Each and every single day, I lived my life in constant fear. I fear that when people get too close to me, they would see my darkness and weakness and all my flaws. I fear that when they see me crumbling down, they would condemn me. They would say that I am not Christian enough. I keep living relying on myself. Relying on my own strength and ignoring God despite Him who was always walking by my side.

But do you know what ? As I was rejecting Him. As I was walking on my own path. Suffering and hurting because of my own pride and so called ‘wisdom and law’. HE WAS WITH ME. HE WAS WITH ME IN ALL MY DARKEST MOMENTS. He hears me screaming and crying all alone at night. He saw my struggles and hurt. He sat through me as I condemned myself. And He reached out to me when I was breaking and falling apart.

He keeps on telling me that I am loved. That I am not alone. That He is for me and not against me.

The truth is, God doesn’t NEED us but rather, He WANTS us because he LOVE us. It is because of His great love, mercy and grace that we live. It is not by my actions that people would come to know Him but by His name. It is not because of my insufficiency that makes me unworthy of Him because we are NOT MEASURED BY WORTH but we are all worthy because of His LOVE.

I’ve enough of sitting in the dark and being scared of myself. I want to hold the hand that He has reached out to me. Because he Loved Me First. I want to learn to seek Him in all of my weakness and flaws. I want to learn to worship Him even when I am sinful and wrong. I want to live in His love and grace with a simple heart.

The Pursuit of Happiness_Day 1

T H E H O A R D E R

me

Whenever I clean my living space, I realised that I have a huge problem when it comes to discarding things. I tend to hold on to things with sentimental value. And even things that have no value and should be just trash. I always needed to keep it awhile until I decided that I can finally let it go. Recently, when life has been going downhill, I’ve been moving a lot and I realised that I’ve been keeping so many things with me. Some that I really cherished and some are just mere trash that I simply can’t bare to let go. Why do I keep trash with me? Maybe, they reminded me of something or perhaps, I just wanted to own it for a little while longer. That’s the greedy and selfish person I am. Each time I threw away something, it is like throwing away a part of me. Why do people have attachment to things? Because they were given by the people whom they once had a certain attachment with. I think its the same with people too. Even when I’ve discarded them and they would’ve even considered trash, I still feel like I’ve been holding on to them. Maybe I was hoping for something different. Maybe I was just being greedy and selfish just like a hoarder. Or maybe, I really cherished them. Whichever it was doesn’t matter anymore because its a part of the discarded.

And the question comes. Is it cruel and wrong to not cherish the people who have loved you ? Many times, I have felt guilty, wrong and deeply hurt because I have not cherished the people who have cherished me enough. People always think that only one person is hurting but in truth, it isn’t like that. At least it wasn’t like that for me. However, I’ve realised that there is nothing wrong with choosing who to love and who to discard. We were never held responsible to reciprocate a certain feeling. Even Jesus never forced anyone to love and respect Him for His great sacrifice. Yet there were so many humans who condemned another just because they didn’t love as much. I finally learnt that there is nothing wrong even when others were always thinking its your fault because you didn’t love him enough. What’s wrong was that someone who forced you to love them because they loved you. And people who stood by judging because they did had nothing better to do.

Being a hoarder, even when I didn’t love something, I wasn’t willing to throw it away. I don’t know why. Except that I am greedy and selfish. But living a nomadic life had taught me how to be minimalistic. And somehow, it applies to people too. There is so much relation to things and people isn’t there ?

01-02-2017 ( Broken Pieces )

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Broken pieces don’t fit together.

Because, there are tiny shards that can never be found. The thread-like flaws can’t be seen but it is there. Now and forevermore.

We are broken pieces.

We see the flaws in each other that others don’t see.

My edge just doesn’t seems to fit to yours and yours to mine.

I see the frustration, desperation and helplessness in you and you in me.

I feel annoyed and angry and sympathy. Yet, it felt like I don’t have the right to feel that way.

Because, am I the same ?

Do you feel the same way ?

Maybe because we are broken pieces.

Maybe because we don’t fit together.

Maybe because of that, we understand.

January Gone With The Wind

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A month ago, it was the beginning of 2017!

A year I looked forward to with great expectation and anticipation.

In this short month, so many things happened so swiftly I could barely remember anything.

Somehow, the feeling or rush and excitement although wearing thin, still stays.

Despite that, the exhaustion is also slowly creeping in to a dangerously strangling stage.

There are so many things I wish to accomplish but somehow, nothing seems accomplished.

Throughout this 30 days, there are some that felt like seconds and some that felt like years.

Looking back now, it all seems like yesterday.

It felt like only yesterday  I celebrated my birthday.

It felt like only yesterday I was rushing for submissions. Spending sleepless nights doing my assignments.

It felt like only yesterday I celebrated my friend’s birthday.

It felt like only yesterday I celebrated Chinese New Year.

It felt like only yesterday. Everything felt like it all just happened yesterday.

Although January came and go like the wind that pass us by, it was a month with lots of experiences and growth.

Wherever this path leads to, I’ll be right where I belong. I know I can be strong.

#THEPERSUITOFHAPPINESS

03-01-2017 ( Life & Death )

I like to believe that,

 Death is a door to greater life.

 

It is only natural for people to live and die.

When you’re young and filled with energy, everything is exciting.

You try to find excitement and try many new things.

You are young and vibrant. You smile your widest.

Summer

   You got older and you grow quiet.

You learnt that excitement isn’t everything

and you start to look at things in a deeper perspective.

You learn to appreciate the depth of things.

The quiet peace that surrounds you made you smile with satisfaction

Autumn

   As you learnt to appreciate life,

A new phase of life comes.

It is cold and bleak.

But you find joy sitting down with a cup of hot tea

Just looking out to nothingness.

The memories of life flows through you

And you welcome death with a smile of satisfaction.

Winter-

   As you open the doors of death,

You enter a place brimming with greater life.

Spring

02-01-2017

mermaid

Art Credits to the Artist.

And the little mermaid disappeared, like sea foam.

It seemed like a sad story because there was no happily after for the Little Mermaid and her Prince.

In his life, he will never remember her. He will never know her and He will never think of her.

Even if he is to see her again, she would be nothing but a stranger to him.

If they were to cross paths again, only the Little Mermaid would look from afar and smile, as she remembers him but the prince will just pass her by without a second glance.

Still, the Little Mermaid did not regret loving the Prince.

Even if he would never love or remember her, she was happy she loved him.

Even if I was oblivious all this while, Thank You for Loving Me.

Seul.